3 Things

A few years ago I went out with this guy, who was head over heels with me and pursued me, tried to convince me that I was exactly the kind of woman he'd want to spend the rest of his life with. I was skeptical, but it didn't send me running the other way either. He really showed the right things, said the right things, even though in the back of my mind I had wondered if it was all true...as he had been engaged only 6 months before he met me. I ended up falling for him, caring for him, even though I had questioned whether our lifestyles together would ever work (they were and are very different), but he did win me over eventually. I learned so much from him, and I love to learn. Unfortunately, he broke my heart. In an abrupt, unexpected, un-gentlemanly way. To make matters worse, there was a bit of back and forth after he broke me. I still had feelings for him, and he didn't have a reason why he wanted to end it. He said he didn't know why. He put me through some real confusing moments, and chose someone else every single time (he would tell me he loved me, but wasn't sure if he could be with me, so he would date someone else), and that's what had hurt me the most. Eventually he did get back together with the ex-fiancee, long after he and I completely ended. It took me a really long time to get over what happened. Not him, it's easy to get over someone who doesn't treat you right once you realize it, but it took a while to digest what had happened. I lost a lot of trust that I won't get hurt that way again. 

After that, I dated a couple of guys for a few months each, but I just couldn't go there with my emotions. I thought maybe I was damaged goods for real.

A year after all that, I met this guy. At first he seemed aloof, not into me, and it started out casual, and I was OK with that. He was smart, had a healthy lifestyle, gentle, humble, showed nothing of the sort who would want to live in the suburbs with 5 children and a minivan, and damn, was the sex ever hot. Then I grew to like him, and the more time we spent together, the more I really liked him. I was away a lot, so it felt a little like a long distance situation, but I was happy to see where it could go. Several months in, he wanted a break, and told me his heart wasn't in it. We weren't spending much time together because of my crazy travel schedule, it was not easy to keep a new relationship afloat. So I didn't know what to do, and it seemed that I kept saying the wrong things. At the time my heart had just started to feel things, and it scared the heck out of me. I don't know if it was because I never actually fully recovered from what happened with the ex, but I was scared. Scared to lose him, but at the same time scared that maybe the same thing was repeating itself - that he'd rather be with someone else. When we got back together shortly thereafter, I don't think I ever fully regained the trust that his heart was in it. Sometimes what he did or said would worry me to be signs that he was going to leave again, even though they were probably nothing. And the more I had fallen for him, the more worried I became. It was a vicious cycle. The worst part was that I couldn't tell him any of that, because I was so afraid that he would say it - that his heart was, in fact, not in it; not the way mine was. I was afraid that he didn't want a future with me. In the end, we hurt each other. I didn't know how to communicate with him, and vice versa. I know how to be with him now, but turns out life doesn't always give you the chances that you want. It's too late for me to realize that he was actually the first person whom I ever loved, had a great sex life with, and had a lifestyle and vision of future lifestyle that is exactly like mine - all 3 things in 1 person. I want to be with him and be committed to him, even though I didn't know that's what it was at the time. Some people are perhaps more lucky than I, and find those 3 things in someone all the time. But I lost him, and I miss him terribly - his warm scent, his strong arms, and most of all, his gentle heart.

My head is telling me to move on now, but perhaps my heart is not ready to make that choice.