Judging by Connection

When it comes to meeting someone new, do you ever think you may know who they are before you get to know them?

I have had the pleasure in meeting a great guy the other night: Cute, smart, creative, articulate, funny, and active. Athletic and Artistic - a combination after which an oxymoron was named in the world dictionary of "The Perfect Guy". After a drink in hand, we figured out we know someone in common. Not much of a surprise considering for Canada's 3rd largest city, Vancouver is very small in its social network. Or so I have learned over the years. Not only you may end up dating someone who knows someone you know, you might actually date someone who has dated someone you know. The latter is more difficult to swallow, especially if you could see the similar patterns once comparing notes (for us women it is tricky not to). I even know someone who actually ended up dating, (initially) unbeknownst to her, a guy with whom she had a little fling 5 years prior!

Are potential mates so recyclable, that it is acceptable to overlook our proclivity to surround ourselves with the same (type) of people, that we end up meeting and re-meeting the same ones over and over again?

The positive side to that notion is we can then associate a person's character (or interests), without having to ask, but simply by knowing with whom they socialize.

Needless to say, in a matter of a few hours, I asked our 'Connection' about my Athletic Artist (a close friend of his happens to be an ex of my Connection - a colleague; the same guy, incidentally, is also currently in liaison with an ex-colleague of ours, of whom we - and I can speak for the entire company - were glad to be rid). My Connection's answer was simple: "I never knew him all that well, but if he is friends with [C], he must be a really nice guy."

There it is. The label by association.

If once I wrote about judging someone by a first impression, is there such a thing as judging someone by a pre-impression?

I could arbitrarily ascertain that Athletic Artist is a write off because he is friends with someone who, regrettably, has chosen to be with a certain person whose character is no less contentious than the reputation which precedes her. Does this make "C" a bad judge of character? If so, then what does that make Athletic Artist?

Surprisingly, I believe my Connection. Not because of what she said, or with whom Athletic Artist is friends, but because I could sense it when we were talking over the loud progressive house beats, a vodka soda in one hand and him: a demure smile, polite gestures, and modest, well-spoken words.

We don't need to know somebody who knows somebody who might have dated somebody we know to learn about someone new. If you pay attention to the little things, we are our best judge of character.

Online

In our world where population growth is exponential by the decades, does it mean we are actually getting closer to another?

I cannot answer in geographical proximity, though findings have stated that in order to support population growth, the design of our world does not necessarily mean the spreading of humans into the suburban areas. Instead, we build upwards, in the very urbanite centres, creating smaller and smaller distance between us and our neighbours. Although blessed with a view that can be breathtaking, I am not one to want to live 1,000ft above the ground, in the middle of the sky.

Geography aside, what does this mean to our means of communication? The development of communication technology of recent years has enabled us to be close to those who are far, without much of an effort. It does not cease to baffle me that despite the closer physically we are believed to becoming, the farther we are in our physical communication.

Think about how often we email/text/instant mesage a colleague who is sitting across from us or a friend whom we have not seen nor talked to in weeks yet who lives 10 blocks away.

Online Dating. Online Journal. Web Meetings. Emails. Instant Messaging. Web access to limitless possibilities from shopping for groceries, furniture, to banking, books, audio-visual references.

Have we, as creatures of habits, created a small world in which we can live without having to lift a foot?

Is being online meant to bring us closer to each other, or does it inadvertently produce a reverse effect instead?

So many things can be lost in translation, and nothing replaces the power of words. People can hide behind typed letters, without ever having to show their true self. You can be whomever you want to be, because the world does not have to see the real you in order for you to communicate.

On the other hand.

We catch up with friends who live thousands of kilometres away more frequently. We don't let distance become an issue to want to be with a loved one. We communicate when we don't have to. We are able to say things when we are afraid to. We are able to solve problems without passing any wasted time.

It is a wonderful little world we have created for ourselves. One in which distance is next to none; countries merge and cultures amalgamate; where lines between the sky, the water, and the earth turn into a blur.

All things considered, in my books, I never forget that nothing beats the quintessential hug, the shoulder to cry on, a warm hand to hold onto and pull you up when you need it the most. No means of electronic convenience can ever bring the intimacy that can only be brought by another human touch.

Do First Impressions Count?

How well can we know something or someone from a first impression?

First impression counts - to some, it is everything that matters. However, to what extent would we ever want to base our judgement, a final one at that, based on a one-time encounter with a complete stranger? How prepared are we, whether by chance or arranged, at any given moment when a part of our experience in life can be altered solely by a one-time call made by another?

A job interview. A first date. A business meeting. A blind date. Meeting the parents. A greeting at a restaurant.

As life is about learning new experiences, whether they be positive or negative, can we ever be truly prepared for someone to potentially alter the course of a path in which we can end up? How well should we trust our first instinct? Could first impressions actually be used as an excuse for us to discount what we do not want to face?

I am a believer of gut-feeling. And sometimes I second-guess myself once I make a snap judgement on something or someone, based on a first encounter. I would attribute a characteristic, for example, to something negative I have experienced in the past, hence would simultaneously conclude a negative association. Perhaps I am actually not ready to face such potential non-existent issue, thus opt to avoid the entire thing and attribute 'gut-feel' instead as a valid reason for my reaction and decision. I would often ask if such a conclusion would be fair towards the recipient, and often times, I do not want to know the real answer and choose to believe it instead. Some call it 'intuition', some call it 'sign'.

Whatever it is, I ask myself the same question: is it fair?

With all due respect

In our society, there is a silent understanding amongst people, that you need to be mindful in your actions, because even if you think it's just about you, it touches at least another.

Take managing people, for example. If you are a people manager, at least 50% of your time will (have to) be spent on people issues, whether it be professional or personal. The tough part comes when your management style and your own manager's are different. It is then when both of you would have to respect each other's, because there is no right and only one way of managing: it can work for some, but not others; it can drive some crazy, or drive the objective home; it can be motivating, or discouraging. In the end, it's about both parties 'managing' each other, and respecting how each goes about accomplishing tasks or overcoming issues, and that they do not have to agree on the how.

The sticky part can come when one or both does not realise the line between who begins and who ends: the overlap. Not only can it send a confusing message for the other people who might also be involved or caught in the cross-fire, it creates easily avoidable conflict should one have identified the roles and objectives of each from the very beginning.

1. Never assume the other person knows what you're thinking.
2. There is no such thing as too much clarification.
3. Not everyone has the same way of communicating nor does everyone solve problems the way you do.

Everybody grew up in different environments, surrounded by people who have influenced them in ways others might have never been influenced.

Remember that.

Personal or professional.

A day in the life of

She is sleeping. Peacefully, quietly, human-like.
Tired, I reckon, after having gone for a four-hour hike all day in the rain. Not just any rain, Canada northwest-coast rain that broke records. Figured after a long, dry summer without, the sky came back with a revenge the past couple of weeks. My pristine, light-coloured couch, acquired before all this rain and Macy were ever paired together in my life, suddenly in danger.

Breathing, turning.

She is always sleeping by the time I get home, reminding me how to enjoy the little things in life, speak out when there is uncertainty, eat when it is time, walk around endlessly until you find that perfect spot to settle yourself down.