Power Balance

What defines a successful relationship? Aside from open communication, mutual respect, and honesty?

In life, there is always a power struggle between 2 individuals (or more) in maintaining a relationship. It can range from financial, mental, physical, and more importantly, emotional.

More traditional (or rather, chivalrous) men feel the need to take care of the woman, or women in general. Some may actually get offended if a woman paid for anything! I love being treated well, but I have always had a difficult time in letting anyone (man or woman) pay for things for me. As much as I love having that bill disappear before I even see it, I don't want anyone to think that I "expect" it (as many women actually do).

Having grown up in a traditional eastern culture, where my father took care of everything financial - my mother had to quit her career once they got married; he got upset when she started a part-time job once we were all in school (even with full-time nannies, maids, all sorts of help at hand); he gave her an 'allowance' of the sort in an envelope every week (this was before the debit card days, clearly), I had vowed to myself to be independent - financially or otherwise. However, I still appreciate being treated, and now am able to return the favour but not simply to prove that I can do it on my own - something of an insecurity at one point, for some time.

A more intricate power balance, however, involves the matter of the heart. In a love relationship, more than likely one person has stronger feelings than the other. Depending on someone's psyche, most of us wonder how we always end up with the "same type of guy/gal over and over again". As psychiatrists say, we had indirectly learned from our parents' relationship - the first relationship we had ever been exposed to and unknowingly imprinted into our beings for our own future relationships. Unconsciously, we seek out the exact same relationship dynamics as adults. Fortunately some of us do learn by trials and errors - how to break a bad cycle, to find what is right and feels right for ourselves.

But what is right?

A wise (male) friend of mine once said to me quite frankly, that the best relationship is one in which the guy is so in love with the girl, that he would do anything for her and to make her happy; that a guy who is in control of a relationship makes a dangerous relationship.

Well said, Steven, refreshingly coming from a guy.

I'm going to have to remind myself this in my continued search for "the right one": a delectably diverse, yet luminously flawed human being who would respect me for my opinions, thoughts, and who I am; a surreptitious charmer of sorts who wants to win the heart, approval or forgiveness of no one else's but mine; an imperfect perfect gentleman, who would pick up the tab yet let me buy him a thing or two every once in a while...

This may not be what "is" right or even necessarily "feels" right for everyone, but as another (female) friend so eloquently put it: "Thank God for our pussy-whipped husbands..."

musical lovestyle

There is always something about musicians that I love...something about watching someone do what they love, and do it passionately....

By chance I was able to attend a couple of Hedley's shows during their cross-country tour; from behind the scenes, front of stage, and after the shows. It mattered not that I was not there as a fan or part of their regular audience...closely watching someone you care about do what they love with such passion while having fun doing it, was an unforgettable experience in itself.

There is something even more about loving a musician...something about being there to witness and understand what it all means: to love the life, the style, the lifestyle.

Thank you, C, for sharing with me and showing me a glimpse of the love of your life.

tangled up thoughts, words unsaid

You are in my mind.

in between red lights and meetings,
in between sips of coffee,
in between ringing phones...

And for some uncontrollable reason,
right now,

I want nothing more
than to be irreparably tangled up with you.

ILY.

Power Struggle

a guy i dated once told me that i have a 'power' issue with men (though at the time he had an issue with non-submissive women). in a way he's right (though it applies not just to men), but who likes to be patronized and told what to do all the time?!?...part of my charm and strength is that i stand my ground, know who i am, and stand by my beliefs and values. even though some may call that 'stubbornness'. a rock in a creek is the analogy i prefer.

the funny thing is, i'm the kind of person who would do anything, bend over backwards/forwards, to make other people happy. even by doing things i don't like to do, and loving every bit of it. the key, however, is that i have to do it on my own, want to do it on my own. the moment that i feel like i'm told to do it, or that i "have to" do it, there's a small part of me that just wants to rebel against that. on purpose, just to make a point (is that the 'power' issue?).

it is obvious that came from growing up with strict parents who saw things that concern me as black or white, and that my opinion, if it were different, was the wrong opinion. i find myself being overly objective sometimes, because i want to be the complete opposite of that. i know what it's like to not be heard, and i try to always be the devil's advocate (which drives some friends crazy sometimes), without really "taking sides".

i need to work on letting go; to just do something that someone else wants me to even if i didn't. it doesn't make me a pushover. i just have to remember that when i do, it absolutely cannot be something that compromises my values. because once i do, the varied shades of gray no longer stay in between the black and white, and i truly lose.