a guy i dated once told me that i have a 'power' issue with men (though at the time he had an issue with non-submissive women). in a way he's right (though it applies not just to men), but who likes to be patronized and told what to do all the time?!?...part of my charm and strength is that i stand my ground, know who i am, and stand by my beliefs and values. even though some may call that 'stubbornness'. a rock in a creek is the analogy i prefer.
the funny thing is, i'm the kind of person who would do anything, bend over backwards/forwards, to make other people happy. even by doing things i don't like to do, and loving every bit of it. the key, however, is that i have to do it on my own, want to do it on my own. the moment that i feel like i'm told to do it, or that i "have to" do it, there's a small part of me that just wants to rebel against that. on purpose, just to make a point (is that the 'power' issue?).
it is obvious that came from growing up with strict parents who saw things that concern me as black or white, and that my opinion, if it were different, was the wrong opinion. i find myself being overly objective sometimes, because i want to be the complete opposite of that. i know what it's like to not be heard, and i try to always be the devil's advocate (which drives some friends crazy sometimes), without really "taking sides".
i need to work on letting go; to just do something that someone else wants me to even if i didn't. it doesn't make me a pushover. i just have to remember that when i do, it absolutely cannot be something that compromises my values. because once i do, the varied shades of gray no longer stay in between the black and white, and i truly lose.
