Letting Go

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it is the realization that I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hand.

To “let go” is not to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle of arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To “let go” is not to deny but to accept.

To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my own desires but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not to critize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for today.

To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

-Anonymous

3 Things

A few years ago I went out with this guy, who was head over heels with me and pursued me, tried to convince me that I was exactly the kind of woman he'd want to spend the rest of his life with. I was skeptical, but it didn't send me running the other way either. He really showed the right things, said the right things, even though in the back of my mind I had wondered if it was all true...as he had been engaged only 6 months before he met me. I ended up falling for him, caring for him, even though I had questioned whether our lifestyles together would ever work (they were and are very different), but he did win me over eventually. I learned so much from him, and I love to learn. Unfortunately, he broke my heart. In an abrupt, unexpected, un-gentlemanly way. To make matters worse, there was a bit of back and forth after he broke me. I still had feelings for him, and he didn't have a reason why he wanted to end it. He said he didn't know why. He put me through some real confusing moments, and chose someone else every single time (he would tell me he loved me, but wasn't sure if he could be with me, so he would date someone else), and that's what had hurt me the most. Eventually he did get back together with the ex-fiancee, long after he and I completely ended. It took me a really long time to get over what happened. Not him, it's easy to get over someone who doesn't treat you right once you realize it, but it took a while to digest what had happened. I lost a lot of trust that I won't get hurt that way again. 

After that, I dated a couple of guys for a few months each, but I just couldn't go there with my emotions. I thought maybe I was damaged goods for real.

A year after all that, I met this guy. At first he seemed aloof, not into me, and it started out casual, and I was OK with that. He was smart, had a healthy lifestyle, gentle, humble, showed nothing of the sort who would want to live in the suburbs with 5 children and a minivan, and damn, was the sex ever hot. Then I grew to like him, and the more time we spent together, the more I really liked him. I was away a lot, so it felt a little like a long distance situation, but I was happy to see where it could go. Several months in, he wanted a break, and told me his heart wasn't in it. We weren't spending much time together because of my crazy travel schedule, it was not easy to keep a new relationship afloat. So I didn't know what to do, and it seemed that I kept saying the wrong things. At the time my heart had just started to feel things, and it scared the heck out of me. I don't know if it was because I never actually fully recovered from what happened with the ex, but I was scared. Scared to lose him, but at the same time scared that maybe the same thing was repeating itself - that he'd rather be with someone else. When we got back together shortly thereafter, I don't think I ever fully regained the trust that his heart was in it. Sometimes what he did or said would worry me to be signs that he was going to leave again, even though they were probably nothing. And the more I had fallen for him, the more worried I became. It was a vicious cycle. The worst part was that I couldn't tell him any of that, because I was so afraid that he would say it - that his heart was, in fact, not in it; not the way mine was. I was afraid that he didn't want a future with me. In the end, we hurt each other. I didn't know how to communicate with him, and vice versa. I know how to be with him now, but turns out life doesn't always give you the chances that you want. It's too late for me to realize that he was actually the first person whom I ever loved, had a great sex life with, and had a lifestyle and vision of future lifestyle that is exactly like mine - all 3 things in 1 person. I want to be with him and be committed to him, even though I didn't know that's what it was at the time. Some people are perhaps more lucky than I, and find those 3 things in someone all the time. But I lost him, and I miss him terribly - his warm scent, his strong arms, and most of all, his gentle heart.

My head is telling me to move on now, but perhaps my heart is not ready to make that choice.

The Lens

Ever feel in a situation when someone or something triggers you, that gives you all these different heart-crushing feelings? It's not the time to act, it's time to explore internally. There is some root of yours not being met. Something your heart is seeking which it's sure it needs. And the pain of it has a grip around your whole being.

Those experiences are telling if we allow them to be. When you're in that much pain, you've hit something deep, some kind of "original wound". Nothing external would solve this kind of pain, although we are usually convinced otherwise - if only I could get this person to understand my point of view, I'd feel better; If only I'd get an apology, the heartache would subside.

The only possibility for peace lies within you in these instances. You're going to have to figure out what this pain is about. Figure out why your heart feels it needs whatever it's seeking: approval, affirmation, recognition, realization, reassurance that you're lovable. You have to give those things to yourself. When you put the key to your peace and happiness somewhere outside yourself, you make yourself powerless.

And a reality of life is that we'll all be misunderstood and rejected at times. Sometimes a person is going to look at you through their own particular lens, and that lens may truly throw off the picture. Or maybe they're seeing you perfectly clearly. Trying to wipe off someone else's lens is a waste of your time and energy, and it's not your job, it's theirs. Maybe for them the lens is perfect. Or it's as clear as it's going to get for now. It doesn't matter because they don't have to live in your head; you do. As long as you're doing everything you can to wipe off your own lenses, to see things as they are, and you know you're coming from a place of love, you won't have any trouble facing that mirror. When you heal yourself, you'll find you can let go of the story - the original story, and the current one that caused you to revisit some very old stuff. Holding on to the stories will beat you down and use up a ton of your energy. Dropping the stories frees you and opens you to the possibility of now. And now has limitless potential. Now could be full of love. The work of healing those very deep woulds is exhausting.

Falling into Soul

If you want to be at peace, you are going to have to do the work of healing yourself. If you choose not to do that, and it is a choice, then you will live a life of confusion, pain, and darkness. And there's just no good reason for that. Life can be so achingly beautiful, even when it's painful, like it is today.

It can feel so overwhelming, we run from it for as long as we do. It's like anything else that is unknown. We let fear of the unknown take over and decide we'd better stay where we are. Or worse yet, we let fear get in the way of what we think we know from our past experiences that were negative, even if they are completely screwed up. Because it is familiar. We may not know it is familiar, but we all revert back to what we know.

Really, we should be running towards that rabbit hole. Diving in head first, with our mind quiet and our heart open - let me know myself. Let me sit in front of the mirror of my soul and download the information that I already know. That I've somehow forgot, covered over, or run from.

Some people get stuck playing with the Queen for years. They look long enough to identify their stuff, but that's as far as they want to go. So they can tell you why they are the way they are, but they don't make the moves necessary to do anything about it. Healing requires action. Identifying the source of your pain is a start, but it is not the place to quit. Justifying an unhappy present as the result of a disappointing past is not going to get us anywhere.

We love to be the victims, the heroes, or the martyrs. We love our stories and our rationalizations and our coping mechanisms, whether we realize it or not. Those are not the moves that bring peace and understanding. Get real. In a compassionate way, look honestly at our stuff, deal with anything that isn't serving us. Look for the pattern and find the source. Commit to feeding thoughts, words and actions that are going to lead to joy, love, and growth. Start starving everything else. Give up the coping mechanisms that keep us numb - running away, avoiding, attacking. Put the crutches down, start digging into the hole.

Before Alice got to Wonderland, she had to fall pretty hard down a deep hole.

olfactory

I love the smell of old books,
New shoes,
lavender in the air;
coconut-scented shampoo, a reminder
Of crashing waves on santa teresa's sands.

I crave the smell of sweet baked bread,
fresh from the oven, cinnamon, sugar, and jam;
grapefruit juice, rosemary, and ginger on ice,
on a hot summer day, a hat, book at hand.

I have forgot the smell of you,
Of fresh laundry, cigar and sweat;
the sound of music, drum beats, reverberating
in an empty space.

I smell the smell, of love found,
love lost, lovers' lust;
forever filled, I am,
with this friendship thine.

what I want

This isn't what I want, but I will take the high road;
Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson,
or because I don't want to walk around angry.

Or maybe because I finally understand -

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept,
Things we don't want to know but have to learn,
And people we can't live without but have to let go.

Power Balance

What defines a successful relationship? Aside from open communication, mutual respect, and honesty?

In life, there is always a power struggle between 2 individuals (or more) in maintaining a relationship. It can range from financial, mental, physical, and more importantly, emotional.

More traditional (or rather, chivalrous) men feel the need to take care of the woman, or women in general. Some may actually get offended if a woman paid for anything! I love being treated well, but I have always had a difficult time in letting anyone (man or woman) pay for things for me. As much as I love having that bill disappear before I even see it, I don't want anyone to think that I "expect" it (as many women actually do).

Having grown up in a traditional eastern culture, where my father took care of everything financial - my mother had to quit her career once they got married; he got upset when she started a part-time job once we were all in school (even with full-time nannies, maids, all sorts of help at hand); he gave her an 'allowance' of the sort in an envelope every week (this was before the debit card days, clearly), I had vowed to myself to be independent - financially or otherwise. However, I still appreciate being treated, and now am able to return the favour but not simply to prove that I can do it on my own - something of an insecurity at one point, for some time.

A more intricate power balance, however, involves the matter of the heart. In a love relationship, more than likely one person has stronger feelings than the other. Depending on someone's psyche, most of us wonder how we always end up with the "same type of guy/gal over and over again". As psychiatrists say, we had indirectly learned from our parents' relationship - the first relationship we had ever been exposed to and unknowingly imprinted into our beings for our own future relationships. Unconsciously, we seek out the exact same relationship dynamics as adults. Fortunately some of us do learn by trials and errors - how to break a bad cycle, to find what is right and feels right for ourselves.

But what is right?

A wise (male) friend of mine once said to me quite frankly, that the best relationship is one in which the guy is so in love with the girl, that he would do anything for her and to make her happy; that a guy who is in control of a relationship makes a dangerous relationship.

Well said, Steven, refreshingly coming from a guy.

I'm going to have to remind myself this in my continued search for "the right one": a delectably diverse, yet luminously flawed human being who would respect me for my opinions, thoughts, and who I am; a surreptitious charmer of sorts who wants to win the heart, approval or forgiveness of no one else's but mine; an imperfect perfect gentleman, who would pick up the tab yet let me buy him a thing or two every once in a while...

This may not be what "is" right or even necessarily "feels" right for everyone, but as another (female) friend so eloquently put it: "Thank God for our pussy-whipped husbands..."

musical lovestyle

There is always something about musicians that I love...something about watching someone do what they love, and do it passionately....

By chance I was able to attend a couple of Hedley's shows during their cross-country tour; from behind the scenes, front of stage, and after the shows. It mattered not that I was not there as a fan or part of their regular audience...closely watching someone you care about do what they love with such passion while having fun doing it, was an unforgettable experience in itself.

There is something even more about loving a musician...something about being there to witness and understand what it all means: to love the life, the style, the lifestyle.

Thank you, C, for sharing with me and showing me a glimpse of the love of your life.

tangled up thoughts, words unsaid

You are in my mind.

in between red lights and meetings,
in between sips of coffee,
in between ringing phones...

And for some uncontrollable reason,
right now,

I want nothing more
than to be irreparably tangled up with you.

ILY.

Power Struggle

a guy i dated once told me that i have a 'power' issue with men (though at the time he had an issue with non-submissive women). in a way he's right (though it applies not just to men), but who likes to be patronized and told what to do all the time?!?...part of my charm and strength is that i stand my ground, know who i am, and stand by my beliefs and values. even though some may call that 'stubbornness'. a rock in a creek is the analogy i prefer.

the funny thing is, i'm the kind of person who would do anything, bend over backwards/forwards, to make other people happy. even by doing things i don't like to do, and loving every bit of it. the key, however, is that i have to do it on my own, want to do it on my own. the moment that i feel like i'm told to do it, or that i "have to" do it, there's a small part of me that just wants to rebel against that. on purpose, just to make a point (is that the 'power' issue?).

it is obvious that came from growing up with strict parents who saw things that concern me as black or white, and that my opinion, if it were different, was the wrong opinion. i find myself being overly objective sometimes, because i want to be the complete opposite of that. i know what it's like to not be heard, and i try to always be the devil's advocate (which drives some friends crazy sometimes), without really "taking sides".

i need to work on letting go; to just do something that someone else wants me to even if i didn't. it doesn't make me a pushover. i just have to remember that when i do, it absolutely cannot be something that compromises my values. because once i do, the varied shades of gray no longer stay in between the black and white, and i truly lose.

I believe

in being open-minded,

and seeing the glass as half-full;

life is too short to dwell on what could've been.

in giving, and

being kind to people - especially techsupport staff and servers -

you can tell a lot about someone by the way they treat the latter;

besides, let's face it, they could easily screw with our food.

in loving unconditionally the people who made you from scratch;

in surrounding yourself with those who inspire you,

and those who can bring you back down when your head gets too high.

that it is important to say nice things,

especially to strangers.

A compliment can make one's day, even if it's just about their hair.

in having a different opinion from another's,

yet still respecting theirs;

in not taking yourself too seriously.

that there is still good in a bad situation,

even if it doesn't show itself for a while.

that it is important to have your heart broken

once in your life; because

you may think life is over without them,

only to find yourself a better person.

in having an ever-evolving soul,

learning from old mistakes,

making new ones, and

continuing to improve who you are everyday.

in thinking that just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,

it became a butterfly.

I know now, that...

...the depth of friendship is not measured by the frequency you see or talk to each other;
what you know or know not about the other,
rather, what you can say whilst knowing
that they will still be yours


...good communication is not about what you say, but how you say it;
that it is not what and how much you know,
but how you teach others of your knowledge.


...the greatest gift life gives us,
is to learn from every misfortune, joyous moment, blessing, and curse;
Daily.


...it isn't about how much you have in common with someone,
for you to be good together;
that it is about having the same values,
even though you may value different things;
yet that you both have to, however,
agree on that.


...life, love and loss,
are the only topics of conversation worth having,
in order for us to really live.


...just because you're never alone, it doesn't mean you can't be lonely; that
you are not really alone when you are surrounded by the things you love;


...it isn't so much about staying still, or
moving forward at certain moments,
but knowing when the right time is to differentiate between the two;


because life is about continual searching,
for moments.

If

A few last words from one of my favourite authors:

"If for an instant God forgot that I am just a puppet, and He gave me one more piece of life, I would take advantage of that time, the best I could.
I would probably not say everything I think, but definitely think all that I say.
I would value things not for what they are worth, but for what they represent.
I would sleep less, and dream more. For every minute we close our eyes, we lose 60 seconds of light.
I would continue where others have stopped and I would rise when others sleep.

If God allowed me one more piece of life, I would dress simpler, wallow in the sunlight, leaving uncovered not only my body, but also my soul.
I would prove to men how wrong they are to think that they stop falling in love as they get older, since they actually start getting older as soon as they stop falling in love.
I would give wings to the children, but I would leave the child alone so that he could learn how to fly on his own.
To the old, I would show them how death comes not with the ageing process but with forgetting.

So many things I have learned from you.

I have learned that everybody wants to live at the top of the mountain, forgetting that how we climb is all that matters.
I have learned that when a newborn grabs his father's thumb, he takes a hold on him forever.
I have learned that a man has the right to look down on somebody, only when he is helping him to get up.

So many things I have learned from all of you.

Always tell what you feel, and do what you think.
If I knew that today it would be the last time that I will see you, I would embrace you strongly to be the guardian of your soul.
If I would know that these would be the last minutes that I would see you, I would say to you "I love you" and wouldn't assume that you would know it.

There is always morning where life gives us another opportunity to make things good.
Keep always close to you your dear ones, and tell them how much you need them and love and take care of them.
Take time to say "I am sorry", "forgive me", "please", "thank you", and all the nice and lovely words you know.
Nobody would remember if you keep your thoughts secret. Force yourself to express them..."

- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

A few things I learned from my dog

When it comes to learning, who says animals can't be just as good of a source? Macy, like others of her kind, has it right all along. When it comes to the most important things in life: keep it simple.

1. Be a good sport. Sometimes you just have to do things you may not want to do that someone else does.
2. Persevere in the face of difficulty. Getting a treat out of that Kong chewtoy can be more mind-boggling than most of our problems.
3. Always give your friends a shoulder to lean on.
4. When in doubt, sleep on it. Take more than 1 night, if you need it.
5. Life is a game of give and take. Remember to give more, and take less.
6. It's okay to be sad sometimes. Even if it's just because someone leaves you home alone for a few hours.
7. Share and share alike.
8. Let your feelings show!
9. If what you want lies buried, dig deeper. Use all your paws.
10. Don't let anyone stare you down.
11. Keep your eye on the ball. Run after it, catch it, and you'll be asking for more.
12. Stand your ground.
13. Be yourself.
14. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
15. Keep learning new tricks. It's the only way to grow.
16. Every day is a good day to treat yourself.
17. Always stand up for your owners. Friends. You know what I mean.
18. Question authority.
19. Exude confidence.
20. If you bite off more than you can chew, keep chewing. It will pay off in the end.
21. Patience is usually rewarded.
22. Romp daily.
23. Take time to dream.
24. Keep your eyes on the sun - you won't see the shadows.
25. Laugh. And do it often.
26. Bark softly but carry a big stick.
27. Strive to be beautiful inside.
28. Never underestimate the power of looking cute.
29. Take on new challenges. They keep you sharp.
30. Start every day with a song.
31. Practice mindfulness.
32. Remember that a bark can be bigger than a bite.
33. Don't be afraid to make new friends. Just don't sniff their bums in the process.
34. Rise to every occasion.
35. Pick your battles. Walking away is just as brave, if not more.
36. Try to catch every ball thrown your way. And when you do, do it with grace and humility.
37. If you've got something to say...speak up!!
38. Perfect a firm handshake.
39. Know thyself.
40. Let it all hang out.
41. Take time to sniff every blade of grass. Though maybe not in search of a place to pee.
42. Keep a low profile.
43. Never bite, when a growl will do.

To err is human;
To forgive,
Canine.

The Lazy Form Of

Everyone who loses somebody wants revenge on someone, or God if they can’t find anyone else.

In Africa, the Ku believe the only way to end grief is to save a life. If someone is murdered, a year of mourning is ended by a ritual called “the drowning man trial”. There is an all-night party beside a river. At dawn, the killer is put in a boat and taken out to the water and is dropped by his bound so he can’t swim. The family of the dead then has to make a choice: they can let him drown, or they can swim out and save him. The Ku believe, that if the family lets the killer drown, they’ll have justice, but spend the rest of their lives in mourning. But if they save him, if they admit that life isn’t always just, that very act can take away their sorrow.

Anger is the lazy form of grief.

I believe, that this applies to any type of grief, not only a death of a loved one, although this would be the most extreme, but any type of loss, when we feel that something that is not part of our plan, that we feel is unjust, happens to us.

I observe, that anger is the lazy form of a lot of other emotions: jealousy, insecurity, feeling loss of control, among others.

It is the first and easiest emotion for our heart and head to get to, when we are either trying to mask the real emotion, or simply afraid to look into ourselves and admit it.

Accept it.

We may not ever have to forgive, but if we truly accept that things happen and are the way they are for the best, that is when we can really move on.

Ask the Ku. Their ancestors' old tradition, protected solely by its own ignorance to the modern world, may seem primitive; but the underlying premise of its lessons, is based on nothing but conscious growth, self-awareness and evolution. They are the oldest form of insight into the human psyche, of learning how to live our lives without regrets and negativity.

25 Random Things About Me

1. My closet and dressers are organized by categories (T-Shirt, Blouse, Dress, Pants, etc.), then by sub-categories (Sleeveless, Shortsleeve, Longsleeve, etc.), then by colour from light to dark. This started when I was a child - ask my sister, I even did hers back then! Though only one of the very few things I'm anal about, this gives away that I am kind of a freak.

2. I can't live without: Books (everything from the embarassing Twilight series to Victorian novels to the newest fiction and non), Music (anything and everything, from Bach's cello concertos and Arvo Part piano pieces; mellow classic jazz and nu-jazz; indietronic and house; to mostly things in the 'Rock' family as in Classic, Folk, New Prog, Post-punk - am currently listening to Patrick Watson, Muse, Sigur Ros, Doves...the list goes on), Movies (just not any stupid Jim Carrey ones), a Camera (to capture those easily-forgotten candid moments in life), and great Food and Wine (to share with friends or with me, myself and I).

A close second would be Love, Friends, and Family - just kidding. Who needs friends?? ;-)

3. I have an incurable dislike towards all insects, reptiles, or mostly anything that is smaller than a dog and not in pretty colours like butterflies (and by 'smaller' I mean anything smaller than Macy - sorry to Chihuahua lovers out there).

4. I can't understand what is so difficult about differentiating among "their, they're, and there", or between "its and it's", "you're, and your", etc. Get it right, people!!

5. I plan big things, but always leave the details to the last minute, in my attempt to balance the organized/flying-by-seat-of-pant persona I try to portray. It drives my 'planner' friends crazy. Time to get me some new friends (just kidding!).

6. When I was little, after I was done playing with my Barbie dolls (all 20+ of them which I shared with my sis), I would put them back into their original boxes. I still have them all somewhere in my parents' storage. Saved for whom, I'm not really sure. But that kid is going to have an insane collection of dolls, complete with all their matching pairs of shoes. (see #1 - I think there might be a connection there)

7. When I was young and was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answers varied (but never different) from the following: teacher, interior designer, architect, psychiatrist. Glad to know that I have fulfilled a small aspect of each of them in my real career (respectively: train staff, creative field, numbers, and...managing people).

8. I am fascinated by psychoanalysis. I blame it on my over-active analytical mind.

9. I was caught climbing back into the classroom through a window with a few other girls in grade school, and our principal made us climb in and out of it 100 times, with her standing there counting aloud.

10. I have always wished that I had dimples. On my cheeks. The face, that is.

11. When I was in elementary school, all my report cards consistently had similar comments along the lines of "[I was] a good student, but if only [I weren't] as disruptive to other students in the class". I think the teachers mixed me up with some other kid.

12. I turn on the TV when I'm at home, just so I can have sounds in the background. I'm not sure why I wouldn't just turn on my ipod player instead - I think the human voices talking has something to do with it.

13. My favourite colour, ever since I was a child, is cobalt blue (bright blue). It is the only constant "favourite" thing I've ever had in my life, while everything else changes with time (food, drink, flower, books, shows, movies, etc.).

14. I can twist my tongue in such a weird way, it kind of freaks people out. Ask me to show you (but save the dirty comments).

15. I have an inexplicable preference of orange-coloured jelly-like sweets over all other colours (e.g. ju-jubes, gummy bears, starbursts, sour kids, ...), that I pick them all out first and eat them. I may actually throw out, or if you are lucky, give away all the other colours (unless you also like the orange ones, in which case I will have to arm-wrestle you. ps: I am tougher than I look).

16. If I read a book part-way and don't like it, I skip to the last chapter and read the end to find out whether I want to continue reading it. I have only done it a few times; nevertheless, admittedly I have. So there.

17. I wear my emotions on my sleeves. It is my downfall. But I'd like to think that it is also the cause of my thoughtfulness. Except for those times I am being blunt.

18. I am a good swimmer; but in the ocean, I develop an irrational fear of drowning whenever I am snorkeling more than 50ft away from the shores, except when I'm on a surfboard (but try snorkeling with a surfboard - it's sort of counter-productive).

19. If I could live somewhere outside of Vancouver, my choices would be New York City, San Fransisco, and London. Of course right now, not the last one - given the current global financial state.

20. I hate doing laundry so much, I actually used to buy new underwear whenever I ran out of clean ones. Now I can go on for probably 2 months without doing laundry, and not using a guy's solution to turn them inside out instead (and that's not counting the days I can technically go commando)!

21. I have about 25 different colours of Havaianas flip flops. I would purposely wear a colour that is completely different from my outfit - just so no one actually knows I probably can match it perfectly and thinks that I am a freak. (Do not even attempt to speculate/comment/question)

22. I have recently discovered a newfound relaxation place at a Korean bath house. There is something liberating about walking around being completely in the nude and enjoying the saunas with a bunch of also-nude strangers.

23. Dark hair and Blue eyes are my vice.

24. I have spent nearly a third of my life working for the same company. Sad, but true...I still haven't decided whether that's a good or a bad thing.

25. I have been in several serious relationships, and have been in love once. I mean really in love, in the I-cant-live-without-you-I-wanna-be-a-better-person-because-of-you kind of way. That was when I learned that decisions in life shouldn't always be made with the heart but also with the head; that love is not something that happens to you, but something you do; and that you can, after all, live without someone.

happiness

In my journey for the entire of the year past, through my trainwreck of a personal life barely non-existent, and without time to reflect, I tried to figure out what would make me happy. Having a job I hated, which took up 90% of my time, and caused mental, physical, and emotional anguish, I truly believed that once it was over, things would become clearer; I would be able to focus on what it really was I wanted, and I would become, once again, blissfully happy - a moment which last occurrence I cannot seem to recall. I believed that my unhappiness stemmed from something that had been a big and important part of my life for my entire adulthood.

Once the storm did finally calm, and I was able to eliminate lack of personal time as the root cause of such evil, at the tail end of the year, after a few trials and errors during the year, I found something really great. At the time, though I had this gut feeling of how much potential it could have, things were uncertain, and at the very end of it all, I learned that I couldn't have it after all. My upcoming time away, I had hoped, was going to clear my head from all of it. Perhaps it was not at all what I thought I felt; I justified the feeling as something that happened to be the first great thing I had stumbled upon after such an exhausting year.

Time away made it easy to adjust once I came back. Only two weeks have passed, and I want to give it time. But as I lay here realizing what this all means, I am finally admitting to myself, that I am not.

An Excerpt

"For the first time in my life I understood the meaning of the word never. And it's really awful. You say the word a hundred times a day but you don't really know what you are saying until you're faced with a real "never again." Ultimately you always have the illusion that you're in control of what's happening; nothing seems definitive....And I think that even a few seconds before dying, "never again" would still just be empty words. But when someone that you love dies...well, I can tell you that you really feel what it means and it really really hurts. It's like fireworks suddenly burning out in the sky and everything going black. I fell alone, and sick, my heart aches and every movement seems to require a colossal effort.

...Thinking back on it, this evening, with my heart and my stomach all like jelly, I have finally concluded, maybe that's what life is about: there's a lot of despair, but also the odd moment of beauty, where time is no longer the same. It's as if those strains of music created a sort of interlude in time, something suspended, an elsewhere that had come to us, an always within never.

Yes, that's it, an always within never.

...Because from now on, ...I'll be searching for those moments of always within never.

Beauty, in this world."

- The Elegance of the Hedgehog (Muriel Barbery)

The risk of it is

We were brought up watching the ease of romance, everlasting love, and the existence of soul mates. A few of us may have had the fortunate opportunity to be taught that it is not easy to water and nurture something, let alone get it to start growing, when the time comes. No one certainly told me how complicated it all was, when people's histories and emotional states are involved to merge into one, even if everything else seems to fit.

Fittingness: How do we know when to stop, or move forward when it comes to matters of the heart? When do you decide how far you would risk the very thing you are trying to protect and give away at the same time?

Some of us take longer than others to mend a broken heart, and we use nearly every excuse to convince ourselves, more so than anyone else, that we are simply too busy for love, that other priorities come first at this point in our lives.

I have done exactly that.

But when I really looked deeply inside, I was, just like every other human being who has ever experienced great loves and lost, scared shitless. How can we trust someone new, let alone trust ourselves that this fragile, beating being is not going to take over our emotions and mind, lose our good judgement for what seemed like a fleeting moment of bliss?

In that moment of epiphany, not one that happens overnight, I know the risk of it is.

And the answer is Trust.

I like it when

I like it when I can hear the rain fall against the roof,
on a quiet night under a warm blanket.

When things that don't make sense
solve themselves with time;
When I see people smile,
laughter overcomes fear, joy overshadows sadness.

I like it when my hand is held;
tightly,
safely,
loosely touched in times of anxiety,
or for no reason at all.

When there is a challenge in thoughts,
opinions, and situations;
simple matters and difficult circumstances.

When someone or something makes me realise
that I might be wrong,
the world may not be fair,
and that perfection is of subjective relevance.

I like it when I fit perfectly in a warm curve,
an overwhelming contentment,
feeling his breath against my hair.

When I am surprised;
continually, unexpectedly so. A sweet surrender,
to giving in.

I like it when things are not always in order;
I fall asleep on the couch, being carried to bed, a glass of water is offered in case I am thirsty.

Things unsaid are resolved,
Things broken are fixed,
Things untouched are blessed.

I like it when
I remember that life is an overzealous adventure:
that one needs to continually seek lessons within it,
to change oneself because of it;

that love is to be sought after, and accepted graciously;
that it is not easily handed over, taken for granted;
that one can never know for certain what creates it, sustains it, or destroys it and when;
that the best thing one can do is to be patient and pass it on.