Letting Go

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it is the realization that I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hand.

To “let go” is not to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle of arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To “let go” is not to deny but to accept.

To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my own desires but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not to critize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for today.

To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

-Anonymous

3 Things

A few years ago I went out with this guy, who was head over heels with me and pursued me, tried to convince me that I was exactly the kind of woman he'd want to spend the rest of his life with. I was skeptical, but it didn't send me running the other way either. He really showed the right things, said the right things, even though in the back of my mind I had wondered if it was all true...as he had been engaged only 6 months before he met me. I ended up falling for him, caring for him, even though I had questioned whether our lifestyles together would ever work (they were and are very different), but he did win me over eventually. I learned so much from him, and I love to learn. Unfortunately, he broke my heart. In an abrupt, unexpected, un-gentlemanly way. To make matters worse, there was a bit of back and forth after he broke me. I still had feelings for him, and he didn't have a reason why he wanted to end it. He said he didn't know why. He put me through some real confusing moments, and chose someone else every single time (he would tell me he loved me, but wasn't sure if he could be with me, so he would date someone else), and that's what had hurt me the most. Eventually he did get back together with the ex-fiancee, long after he and I completely ended. It took me a really long time to get over what happened. Not him, it's easy to get over someone who doesn't treat you right once you realize it, but it took a while to digest what had happened. I lost a lot of trust that I won't get hurt that way again. 

After that, I dated a couple of guys for a few months each, but I just couldn't go there with my emotions. I thought maybe I was damaged goods for real.

A year after all that, I met this guy. At first he seemed aloof, not into me, and it started out casual, and I was OK with that. He was smart, had a healthy lifestyle, gentle, humble, showed nothing of the sort who would want to live in the suburbs with 5 children and a minivan, and damn, was the sex ever hot. Then I grew to like him, and the more time we spent together, the more I really liked him. I was away a lot, so it felt a little like a long distance situation, but I was happy to see where it could go. Several months in, he wanted a break, and told me his heart wasn't in it. We weren't spending much time together because of my crazy travel schedule, it was not easy to keep a new relationship afloat. So I didn't know what to do, and it seemed that I kept saying the wrong things. At the time my heart had just started to feel things, and it scared the heck out of me. I don't know if it was because I never actually fully recovered from what happened with the ex, but I was scared. Scared to lose him, but at the same time scared that maybe the same thing was repeating itself - that he'd rather be with someone else. When we got back together shortly thereafter, I don't think I ever fully regained the trust that his heart was in it. Sometimes what he did or said would worry me to be signs that he was going to leave again, even though they were probably nothing. And the more I had fallen for him, the more worried I became. It was a vicious cycle. The worst part was that I couldn't tell him any of that, because I was so afraid that he would say it - that his heart was, in fact, not in it; not the way mine was. I was afraid that he didn't want a future with me. In the end, we hurt each other. I didn't know how to communicate with him, and vice versa. I know how to be with him now, but turns out life doesn't always give you the chances that you want. It's too late for me to realize that he was actually the first person whom I ever loved, had a great sex life with, and had a lifestyle and vision of future lifestyle that is exactly like mine - all 3 things in 1 person. I want to be with him and be committed to him, even though I didn't know that's what it was at the time. Some people are perhaps more lucky than I, and find those 3 things in someone all the time. But I lost him, and I miss him terribly - his warm scent, his strong arms, and most of all, his gentle heart.

My head is telling me to move on now, but perhaps my heart is not ready to make that choice.

The Lens

Ever feel in a situation when someone or something triggers you, that gives you all these different heart-crushing feelings? It's not the time to act, it's time to explore internally. There is some root of yours not being met. Something your heart is seeking which it's sure it needs. And the pain of it has a grip around your whole being.

Those experiences are telling if we allow them to be. When you're in that much pain, you've hit something deep, some kind of "original wound". Nothing external would solve this kind of pain, although we are usually convinced otherwise - if only I could get this person to understand my point of view, I'd feel better; If only I'd get an apology, the heartache would subside.

The only possibility for peace lies within you in these instances. You're going to have to figure out what this pain is about. Figure out why your heart feels it needs whatever it's seeking: approval, affirmation, recognition, realization, reassurance that you're lovable. You have to give those things to yourself. When you put the key to your peace and happiness somewhere outside yourself, you make yourself powerless.

And a reality of life is that we'll all be misunderstood and rejected at times. Sometimes a person is going to look at you through their own particular lens, and that lens may truly throw off the picture. Or maybe they're seeing you perfectly clearly. Trying to wipe off someone else's lens is a waste of your time and energy, and it's not your job, it's theirs. Maybe for them the lens is perfect. Or it's as clear as it's going to get for now. It doesn't matter because they don't have to live in your head; you do. As long as you're doing everything you can to wipe off your own lenses, to see things as they are, and you know you're coming from a place of love, you won't have any trouble facing that mirror. When you heal yourself, you'll find you can let go of the story - the original story, and the current one that caused you to revisit some very old stuff. Holding on to the stories will beat you down and use up a ton of your energy. Dropping the stories frees you and opens you to the possibility of now. And now has limitless potential. Now could be full of love. The work of healing those very deep woulds is exhausting.

Falling into Soul

If you want to be at peace, you are going to have to do the work of healing yourself. If you choose not to do that, and it is a choice, then you will live a life of confusion, pain, and darkness. And there's just no good reason for that. Life can be so achingly beautiful, even when it's painful, like it is today.

It can feel so overwhelming, we run from it for as long as we do. It's like anything else that is unknown. We let fear of the unknown take over and decide we'd better stay where we are. Or worse yet, we let fear get in the way of what we think we know from our past experiences that were negative, even if they are completely screwed up. Because it is familiar. We may not know it is familiar, but we all revert back to what we know.

Really, we should be running towards that rabbit hole. Diving in head first, with our mind quiet and our heart open - let me know myself. Let me sit in front of the mirror of my soul and download the information that I already know. That I've somehow forgot, covered over, or run from.

Some people get stuck playing with the Queen for years. They look long enough to identify their stuff, but that's as far as they want to go. So they can tell you why they are the way they are, but they don't make the moves necessary to do anything about it. Healing requires action. Identifying the source of your pain is a start, but it is not the place to quit. Justifying an unhappy present as the result of a disappointing past is not going to get us anywhere.

We love to be the victims, the heroes, or the martyrs. We love our stories and our rationalizations and our coping mechanisms, whether we realize it or not. Those are not the moves that bring peace and understanding. Get real. In a compassionate way, look honestly at our stuff, deal with anything that isn't serving us. Look for the pattern and find the source. Commit to feeding thoughts, words and actions that are going to lead to joy, love, and growth. Start starving everything else. Give up the coping mechanisms that keep us numb - running away, avoiding, attacking. Put the crutches down, start digging into the hole.

Before Alice got to Wonderland, she had to fall pretty hard down a deep hole.

olfactory

I love the smell of old books,
New shoes,
lavender in the air;
coconut-scented shampoo, a reminder
Of crashing waves on santa teresa's sands.

I crave the smell of sweet baked bread,
fresh from the oven, cinnamon, sugar, and jam;
grapefruit juice, rosemary, and ginger on ice,
on a hot summer day, a hat, book at hand.

I have forgot the smell of you,
Of fresh laundry, cigar and sweat;
the sound of music, drum beats, reverberating
in an empty space.

I smell the smell, of love found,
love lost, lovers' lust;
forever filled, I am,
with this friendship thine.

what I want

This isn't what I want, but I will take the high road;
Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson,
or because I don't want to walk around angry.

Or maybe because I finally understand -

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept,
Things we don't want to know but have to learn,
And people we can't live without but have to let go.

Power Balance

What defines a successful relationship? Aside from open communication, mutual respect, and honesty?

In life, there is always a power struggle between 2 individuals (or more) in maintaining a relationship. It can range from financial, mental, physical, and more importantly, emotional.

More traditional (or rather, chivalrous) men feel the need to take care of the woman, or women in general. Some may actually get offended if a woman paid for anything! I love being treated well, but I have always had a difficult time in letting anyone (man or woman) pay for things for me. As much as I love having that bill disappear before I even see it, I don't want anyone to think that I "expect" it (as many women actually do).

Having grown up in a traditional eastern culture, where my father took care of everything financial - my mother had to quit her career once they got married; he got upset when she started a part-time job once we were all in school (even with full-time nannies, maids, all sorts of help at hand); he gave her an 'allowance' of the sort in an envelope every week (this was before the debit card days, clearly), I had vowed to myself to be independent - financially or otherwise. However, I still appreciate being treated, and now am able to return the favour but not simply to prove that I can do it on my own - something of an insecurity at one point, for some time.

A more intricate power balance, however, involves the matter of the heart. In a love relationship, more than likely one person has stronger feelings than the other. Depending on someone's psyche, most of us wonder how we always end up with the "same type of guy/gal over and over again". As psychiatrists say, we had indirectly learned from our parents' relationship - the first relationship we had ever been exposed to and unknowingly imprinted into our beings for our own future relationships. Unconsciously, we seek out the exact same relationship dynamics as adults. Fortunately some of us do learn by trials and errors - how to break a bad cycle, to find what is right and feels right for ourselves.

But what is right?

A wise (male) friend of mine once said to me quite frankly, that the best relationship is one in which the guy is so in love with the girl, that he would do anything for her and to make her happy; that a guy who is in control of a relationship makes a dangerous relationship.

Well said, Steven, refreshingly coming from a guy.

I'm going to have to remind myself this in my continued search for "the right one": a delectably diverse, yet luminously flawed human being who would respect me for my opinions, thoughts, and who I am; a surreptitious charmer of sorts who wants to win the heart, approval or forgiveness of no one else's but mine; an imperfect perfect gentleman, who would pick up the tab yet let me buy him a thing or two every once in a while...

This may not be what "is" right or even necessarily "feels" right for everyone, but as another (female) friend so eloquently put it: "Thank God for our pussy-whipped husbands..."