care to join me

olfactory

2011-05-15T00:23:00.000-07:00

I love the smell of old books,
New shoes,
lavender in the air;
coconut-scented shampoo, a reminder
Of crashing waves on santa teresa's sands.

I crave the smell of sweet baked bread,
fresh from the oven, cinnamon, sugar, and jam;
grapefruit juice, rosemary, and ginger on ice,
on a hot summer day, a hat, book at hand.

I have forgot the smell of you,
Of fresh laundry, cigar and sweat;
the sound of music, drum beats, reverberating
in an empty space.

I smell the smell, of love found,
love lost, lovers' lust;
forever filled, I am,
with this friendship thine.

what I want

2011-04-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

This isn't what I want, but I will take the high road;
Maybe it's because I look at everything as a lesson,
or because I don't want to walk around angry.

Or maybe because I finally understand -

There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept,
Things we don't want to know but have to learn,
And people we can't live without but have to let go.

Power Balance

2010-07-08T23:14:00.002-07:00

What defines a successful relationship? Aside from open communication, mutual respect, and honesty?

In life, there is always a power struggle between 2 individuals (or more) in maintaining a relationship. It can range from financial, mental, physical, and more importantly, emotional.

More traditional (or rather, chivalrous) men feel the need to take care of the woman, or women in general. Some may actually get offended if a woman paid for anything! I love being treated well, but I have always had a difficult time in letting anyone (man or woman) pay for things for me. As much as I love having that bill disappear before I even see it, I don't want anyone to think that I "expect" it (as many women actually do).

Having grown up in a traditional eastern culture, where my father took care of everything financial - my mother had to quit her career once they got married; he got upset when she started a part-time job once we were all in school (even with full-time nannies, maids, all sorts of help at hand); he gave her an 'allowance' of the sort in an envelope every week (this was before the debit card days, clearly), I had vowed to myself to be independent - financially or otherwise. However, I still appreciate being treated, and now am able to return the favour but not simply to prove that I can do it on my own - something of an insecurity at one point, for some time.

A more intricate power balance, however, involves the matter of the heart. In a love relationship, more than likely one person has stronger feelings than the other. Depending on someone's psyche, most of us wonder how we always end up with the "same type of guy/gal over and over again". As psychiatrists say, we had indirectly learned from our parents' relationship - the first relationship we had ever been exposed to and unknowingly imprinted into our beings for our own future relationships. Unconsciously, we seek out the exact same relationship dynamics as adults. Fortunately some of us do learn by trials and errors - how to break a bad cycle, to find what is right and feels right for ourselves.

But what is right?

A wise (male) friend of mine once said to me quite frankly, that the best relationship is one in which the guy is so in love with the girl, that he would do anything for her and to make her happy; that a guy who is in control of a relationship makes a dangerous relationship.

Well said, Steven, refreshingly coming from a guy.

I'm going to have to remind myself this in my continued search for "the right one": a delectably diverse, yet luminously flawed human being who would respect me for my opinions, thoughts, and who I am; a surreptitious charmer of sorts who wants to win the heart, approval or forgiveness of no one else's but mine; an imperfect perfect gentleman, who would pick up the tab yet let me buy him a thing or two every once in a while...

This may not be what "is" right or even necessarily "feels" right for everyone, but as another (female) friend so eloquently put it: "Thank God for our pussy-whipped husbands..."

musical lovestyle

2010-05-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

There is always something about musicians that I love...something about watching someone do what they love, and do it passionately....

By chance I was able to attend a couple of Hedley's shows during their cross-country tour; from behind the scenes, front of stage, and after the shows. It mattered not that I was not there as a fan or part of their regular audience...closely watching someone you care about do what they love with such passion while having fun doing it, was an unforgettable experience in itself.

There is something even more about loving a musician...something about being there to witness and understand what it all means: to love the life, the style, the lifestyle.

Thank you, C, for sharing with me and showing me a glimpse of the love of your life.

tangled up thoughts, words unsaid

2010-05-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

You are in my mind.

in between red lights and meetings,
in between sips of coffee,
in between ringing phones...

And for some uncontrollable reason,
right now,

I want nothing more
than to be irreparably tangled up with you.

ILY.

Power Struggle

2010-05-07T19:36:00.000-07:00

a guy i dated once told me that i have a 'power' issue with men (though at the time he had an issue with non-submissive women). in a way he's right (though it applies not just to men), but who likes to be patronized and told what to do all the time?!?...part of my charm and strength is that i stand my ground, know who i am, and stand by my beliefs and values. even though some may call that 'stubbornness'. a rock in a creek is the analogy i prefer.

the funny thing is, i'm the kind of person who would do anything, bend over backwards/forwards, to make other people happy. even by doing things i don't like to do, and loving every bit of it. the key, however, is that i have to do it on my own, want to do it on my own. the moment that i feel like i'm told to do it, or that i "have to" do it, there's a small part of me that just wants to rebel against that. on purpose, just to make a point (is that the 'power' issue?).

it is obvious that came from growing up with strict parents who saw things that concern me as black or white, and that my opinion, if it were different, was the wrong opinion. i find myself being overly objective sometimes, because i want to be the complete opposite of that. i know what it's like to not be heard, and i try to always be the devil's advocate (which drives some friends crazy sometimes), without really "taking sides".

i need to work on letting go; to just do something that someone else wants me to even if i didn't. it doesn't make me a pushover. i just have to remember that when i do, it absolutely cannot be something that compromises my values. because once i do, the varied shades of gray no longer stay in between the black and white, and i truly lose.

I believe

2009-09-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

in being open-minded,

and seeing the glass as half-full;

life is too short to dwell on what could've been.

in giving, and

being kind to people - especially techsupport staff and servers -

you can tell a lot about someone by the way they treat the latter;

besides, let's face it, they could easily screw with our food.

in loving unconditionally the people who made you from scratch;

in surrounding yourself with those who inspire you,

and those who can bring you back down when your head gets too high.

that it is important to say nice things,

especially to strangers.

A compliment can make one's day, even if it's just about their hair.

in having a different opinion from another's,

yet still respecting theirs;

in not taking yourself too seriously.

that there is still good in a bad situation,

even if it doesn't show itself for a while.

that it is important to have your heart broken

once in your life; because

you may think life is over without them,

only to find yourself a better person.

in having an ever-evolving soul,

learning from old mistakes,

making new ones, and

continuing to improve who you are everyday.

in thinking that just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,

it became a butterfly.

I know now, that...

2009-09-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

...the depth of friendship is not measured by the frequency you see or talk to each other;
what you know or know not about the other,
rather, what you can say whilst knowing
that they will still be yours

...good communication is not about what you say, but how you say it;
that it is not what and how much you know,
but how you teach others of your knowledge.

...the greatest gift life gives us,
is to learn from every misfortune, joyous moment, blessing, and curse;
Daily.

...it isn't about how much you have in common with someone,
for you to be good together;
that it is about having the same values,
even though you may value different things;
yet that you both have to, however,
agree on that.

...life, love and loss,
are the only topics of conversation worth having,
in order for us to really live.

...just because you're never alone, it doesn't mean you can't be lonely; that
you are not really alone when you are surrounded by the things you love;

...it isn't so much about staying still, or
moving forward at certain moments,
but knowing when the right time is to differentiate between the two;

because life is about continual searching,
for moments.

If

2009-05-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

A few last words from one of my favourite authors:

"If for an instant God forgot that I am just a puppet, and He gave me one more piece of life, I would take advantage of that time, the best I could.
I would probably not say everything I think, but definitely think all that I say.
I would value things not for what they are worth, but for what they represent.
I would sleep less, and dream more. For every minute we close our eyes, we lose 60 seconds of light.
I would continue where others have stopped and I would rise when others sleep.

If God allowed me one more piece of life, I would dress simpler, wallow in the sunlight, leaving uncovered not only my body, but also my soul.
I would prove to men how wrong they are to think that they stop falling in love as they get older, since they actually start getting older as soon as they stop falling in love.
I would give wings to the children, but I would leave the child alone so that he could learn how to fly on his own.
To the old, I would show them how death comes not with the ageing process but with forgetting.

So many things I have learned from you.

I have learned that everybody wants to live at the top of the mountain, forgetting that how we climb is all that matters.
I have learned that when a newborn grabs his father's thumb, he takes a hold on him forever.
I have learned that a man has the right to look down on somebody, only when he is helping him to get up.

So many things I have learned from all of you.

Always tell what you feel, and do what you think.
If I knew that today it would be the last time that I will see you, I would embrace you strongly to be the guardian of your soul.
If I would know that these would be the last minutes that I would see you, I would say to you "I love you" and wouldn't assume that you would know it.

There is always morning where life gives us another opportunity to make things good.
Keep always close to you your dear ones, and tell them how much you need them and love and take care of them.
Take time to say "I am sorry", "forgive me", "please", "thank you", and all the nice and lovely words you know.
Nobody would remember if you keep your thoughts secret. Force yourself to express them..."

- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

A few things I learned from my dog

2009-05-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

When it comes to learning, who says animals can't be just as good of a source? Macy, like others of her kind, has it right all along. When it comes to the most important things in life: keep it simple.

1. Be a good sport. Sometimes you just have to do things you may not want to do that someone else does.
2. Persevere in the face of difficulty. Getting a treat out of that Kong chewtoy can be more mind-boggling than most of our problems.
3. Always give your friends a shoulder to lean on.
4. When in doubt, sleep on it. Take more than 1 night, if you need it.
5. Life is a game of give and take. Remember to give more, and take less.
6. It's okay to be sad sometimes. Even if it's just because someone leaves you home alone for a few hours.
7. Share and share alike.
8. Let your feelings show!
9. If what you want lies buried, dig deeper. Use all your paws.
10. Don't let anyone stare you down.
11. Keep your eye on the ball. Run after it, catch it, and you'll be asking for more.
12. Stand your ground.
13. Be yourself.
14. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
15. Keep learning new tricks. It's the only way to grow.
16. Every day is a good day to treat yourself.
17. Always stand up for your owners. Friends. You know what I mean.
18. Question authority.
19. Exude confidence.
20. If you bite off more than you can chew, keep chewing. It will pay off in the end.
21. Patience is usually rewarded.
22. Romp daily.
23. Take time to dream.
24. Keep your eyes on the sun - you won't see the shadows.
25. Laugh. And do it often.
26. Bark softly but carry a big stick.
27. Strive to be beautiful inside.
28. Never underestimate the power of looking cute.
29. Take on new challenges. They keep you sharp.
30. Start every day with a song.
31. Practice mindfulness.
32. Remember that a bark can be bigger than a bite.
33. Don't be afraid to make new friends. Just don't sniff their bums in the process.
34. Rise to every occasion.
35. Pick your battles. Walking away is just as brave, if not more.
36. Try to catch every ball thrown your way. And when you do, do it with grace and humility.
37. If you've got something to say...speak up!!
38. Perfect a firm handshake.
39. Know thyself.
40. Let it all hang out.
41. Take time to sniff every blade of grass. Though maybe not in search of a place to pee.
42. Keep a low profile.
43. Never bite, when a growl will do.

To err is human;
To forgive,
Canine.

The Lazy Form Of

2009-04-02T18:15:00.000-07:00

Everyone who loses somebody wants revenge on someone, or God if they can’t find anyone else.

In Africa, the Ku believe the only way to end grief is to save a life. If someone is murdered, a year of mourning is ended by a ritual called “the drowning man trial”. There is an all-night party beside a river. At dawn, the killer is put in a boat and taken out to the water and is dropped by his bound so he can’t swim. The family of the dead then has to make a choice: they can let him drown, or they can swim out and save him. The Ku believe, that if the family lets the killer drown, they’ll have justice, but spend the rest of their lives in mourning. But if they save him, if they admit that life isn’t always just, that very act can take away their sorrow.

Anger is the lazy form of grief.

I believe, that this applies to any type of grief, not only a death of a loved one, although this would be the most extreme, but any type of loss, when we feel that something that is not part of our plan, that we feel is unjust, happens to us.

I observe, that anger is the lazy form of a lot of other emotions: jealousy, insecurity, feeling loss of control, among others.

It is the first and easiest emotion for our heart and head to get to, when we are either trying to mask the real emotion, or simply afraid to look into ourselves and admit it.

Accept it.

We may not ever have to forgive, but if we truly accept that things happen and are the way they are for the best, that is when we can really move on.

Ask the Ku. Their ancestors' old tradition, protected solely by its own ignorance to the modern world, may seem primitive; but the underlying premise of its lessons, is based on nothing but conscious growth, self-awareness and evolution. They are the oldest form of insight into the human psyche, of learning how to live our lives without regrets and negativity.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-02-21T09:54:00.000-08:00

1. My closet and dressers are organized by categories (T-Shirt, Blouse, Dress, Pants, etc.), then by sub-categories (Sleeveless, Shortsleeve, Longsleeve, etc.), then by colour from light to dark. This started when I was a child - ask my sister, I even did hers back then! Though only one of the very few things I'm anal about, this gives away that I am kind of a freak.

2. I can't live without: Books (everything from the embarassing Twilight series to Victorian novels to the newest fiction and non), Music (anything and everything, from Bach's cello concertos and Arvo Part piano pieces; mellow classic jazz and nu-jazz; indietronic and house; to mostly things in the 'Rock' family as in Classic, Folk, New Prog, Post-punk - am currently listening to Patrick Watson, Muse, Sigur Ros, Doves...the list goes on), Movies (just not any stupid Jim Carrey ones), a Camera (to capture those easily-forgotten candid moments in life), and great Food and Wine (to share with friends or with me, myself and I).

A close second would be Love, Friends, and Family - just kidding. Who needs friends?? ;-)

3. I have an incurable dislike towards all insects, reptiles, or mostly anything that is smaller than a dog and not in pretty colours like butterflies (and by 'smaller' I mean anything smaller than Macy - sorry to Chihuahua lovers out there).

4. I can't understand what is so difficult about differentiating among "their, they're, and there", or between "its and it's", "you're, and your", etc. Get it right, people!!

5. I plan big things, but always leave the details to the last minute, in my attempt to balance the organized/flying-by-seat-of-pant persona I try to portray. It drives my 'planner' friends crazy. Time to get me some new friends (just kidding!).

6. When I was little, after I was done playing with my Barbie dolls (all 20+ of them which I shared with my sis), I would put them back into their original boxes. I still have them all somewhere in my parents' storage. Saved for whom, I'm not really sure. But that kid is going to have an insane collection of dolls, complete with all their matching pairs of shoes. (see #1 - I think there might be a connection there)

7. When I was young and was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answers varied (but never different) from the following: teacher, interior designer, architect, psychiatrist. Glad to know that I have fulfilled a small aspect of each of them in my real career (respectively: train staff, creative field, numbers, and...managing people).

8. I am fascinated by psychoanalysis. I blame it on my over-active analytical mind.

9. I was caught climbing back into the classroom through a window with a few other girls in grade school, and our principal made us climb in and out of it 100 times, with her standing there counting aloud.

10. I have always wished that I had dimples. On my cheeks. The face, that is.

11. When I was in elementary school, all my report cards consistently had similar comments along the lines of "[I was] a good student, but if only [I weren't] as disruptive to other students in the class". I think the teachers mixed me up with some other kid.

12. I turn on the TV when I'm at home, just so I can have sounds in the background. I'm not sure why I wouldn't just turn on my ipod player instead - I think the human voices talking has something to do with it.

13. My favourite colour, ever since I was a child, is cobalt blue (bright blue). It is the only constant "favourite" thing I've ever had in my life, while everything else changes with time (food, drink, flower, books, shows, movies, etc.).

14. I can twist my tongue in such a weird way, it kind of freaks people out. Ask me to show you (but save the dirty comments).

15. I have an inexplicable preference of orange-coloured jelly-like sweets over all other colours (e.g. ju-jubes, gummy bears, starbursts, sour kids, ...), that I pick them all out first and eat them. I may actually throw out, or if you are lucky, give away all the other colours (unless you also like the orange ones, in which case I will have to arm-wrestle you. ps: I am tougher than I look).

16. If I read a book part-way and don't like it, I skip to the last chapter and read the end to find out whether I want to continue reading it. I have only done it a few times; nevertheless, admittedly I have. So there.

17. I wear my emotions on my sleeves. It is my downfall. But I'd like to think that it is also the cause of my thoughtfulness. Except for those times I am being blunt.

18. I am a good swimmer; but in the ocean, I develop an irrational fear of drowning whenever I am snorkeling more than 50ft away from the shores, except when I'm on a surfboard (but try snorkeling with a surfboard - it's sort of counter-productive).

19. If I could live somewhere outside of Vancouver, my choices would be New York City, San Fransisco, and London. Of course right now, not the last one - given the current global financial state.

20. I hate doing laundry so much, I actually used to buy new underwear whenever I ran out of clean ones. Now I can go on for probably 2 months without doing laundry, and not using a guy's solution to turn them inside out instead (and that's not counting the days I can technically go commando)!

21. I have about 25 different colours of Havaianas flip flops. I would purposely wear a colour that is completely different from my outfit - just so no one actually knows I probably can match it perfectly and thinks that I am a freak. (Do not even attempt to speculate/comment/question)

22. I have recently discovered a newfound relaxation place at a Korean bath house. There is something liberating about walking around being completely in the nude and enjoying the saunas with a bunch of also-nude strangers.

23. Dark hair and Blue eyes are my vice.

24. I have spent nearly a third of my life working for the same company. Sad, but true...I still haven't decided whether that's a good or a bad thing.

25. I have been in several serious relationships, and have been in love once. I mean really in love, in the I-cant-live-without-you-I-wanna-be-a-better-person-because-of-you kind of way. That was when I learned that decisions in life shouldn't always be made with the heart but also with the head; that love is not something that happens to you, but something you do; and that you can, after all, live without someone.

happiness

2009-02-15T16:17:00.000-08:00

In my journey for the entire of the year past, through my trainwreck of a personal life barely non-existent, and without time to reflect, I tried to figure out what would make me happy. Having a job I hated, which took up 90% of my time, and caused mental, physical, and emotional anguish, I truly believed that once it was over, things would become clearer; I would be able to focus on what it really was I wanted, and I would become, once again, blissfully happy - a moment which last occurrence I cannot seem to recall. I believed that my unhappiness stemmed from something that had been a big and important part of my life for my entire adulthood.

Once the storm did finally calm, and I was able to eliminate lack of personal time as the root cause of such evil, at the tail end of the year, after a few trials and errors during the year, I found something really great. At the time, though I had this gut feeling of how much potential it could have, things were uncertain, and at the very end of it all, I learned that I couldn't have it after all. My upcoming time away, I had hoped, was going to clear my head from all of it. Perhaps it was not at all what I thought I felt; I justified the feeling as something that happened to be the first great thing I had stumbled upon after such an exhausting year.

Time away made it easy to adjust once I came back. Only two weeks have passed, and I want to give it time. But as I lay here realizing what this all means, I am finally admitting to myself, that I am not.

An Excerpt

2009-02-08T16:23:00.000-08:00

"For the first time in my life I understood the meaning of the word never. And it's really awful. You say the word a hundred times a day but you don't really know what you are saying until you're faced with a real "never again." Ultimately you always have the illusion that you're in control of what's happening; nothing seems definitive....And I think that even a few seconds before dying, "never again" would still just be empty words. But when someone that you love dies...well, I can tell you that you really feel what it means and it really really hurts. It's like fireworks suddenly burning out in the sky and everything going black. I fell alone, and sick, my heart aches and every movement seems to require a colossal effort.

...Thinking back on it, this evening, with my heart and my stomach all like jelly, I have finally concluded, maybe that's what life is about: there's a lot of despair, but also the odd moment of beauty, where time is no longer the same. It's as if those strains of music created a sort of interlude in time, something suspended, an elsewhere that had come to us, an always within never.

Yes, that's it, an always within never.

...Because from now on, ...I'll be searching for those moments of always within never.

Beauty, in this world."

- The Elegance of the Hedgehog (Muriel Barbery)

The risk of it is

2008-12-27T07:06:00.000-08:00

We were brought up watching the ease of romance, everlasting love, and the existence of soul mates. A few of us may have had the fortunate opportunity to be taught that it is not easy to water and nurture something, let alone get it to start growing, when the time comes. No one certainly told me how complicated it all was, when people's histories and emotional states are involved to merge into one, even if everything else seems to fit.

Fittingness: How do we know when to stop, or move forward when it comes to matters of the heart? When do you decide how far you would risk the very thing you are trying to protect and give away at the same time?

Some of us take longer than others to mend a broken heart, and we use nearly every excuse to convince ourselves, more so than anyone else, that we are simply too busy for love, that other priorities come first at this point in our lives.

I have done exactly that.

But when I really looked deeply inside, I was, just like every other human being who has ever experienced great loves and lost, scared shitless. How can we trust someone new, let alone trust ourselves that this fragile, beating being is not going to take over our emotions and mind, lose our good judgement for what seemed like a fleeting moment of bliss?

In that moment of epiphany, not one that happens overnight, I know the risk of it is.

And the answer is Trust.

I like it when

2008-09-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

I like it when I can hear the rain fall against the roof,
on a quiet night under a warm blanket.

When things that don't make sense
solve themselves with time;
When I see people smile,
laughter overcomes fear, joy overshadows sadness.

I like it when my hand is held;
tightly,
safely,
loosely touched in times of anxiety,
or for no reason at all.

When there is a challenge in thoughts,
opinions, and situations;
simple matters and difficult circumstances.

When someone or something makes me realise
that I might be wrong,
the world may not be fair,
and that perfection is of subjective relevance.

I like it when I fit perfectly in a warm curve,
an overwhelming contentment,
feeling his breath against my hair.

When I am surprised;
continually, unexpectedly so. A sweet surrender,
to giving in.

I like it when things are not always in order;
I fall asleep on the couch, being carried to bed, a glass of water is offered in case I am thirsty.

Things unsaid are resolved,
Things broken are fixed,
Things untouched are blessed.

I like it when
I remember that life is an overzealous adventure:
that one needs to continually seek lessons within it,
to change oneself because of it;

that love is to be sought after, and accepted graciously;
that it is not easily handed over, taken for granted;
that one can never know for certain what creates it, sustains it, or destroys it and when;
that the best thing one can do is to be patient and pass it on.

A Knight

2008-08-02T11:13:00.000-07:00

With the roles of women emancipation, equalization of women's place in the world, and the proof that we can, in fact, do just about anything a man can do and that we do not need them to save us from ourselves, have we really left behind traditions of chivalry; purposely ignoring, avoiding, or simply not admitting that we still long for them?

I would like to think that I am an independent, strong, young woman of sorts; the perfect byproduct of assimilated cultures and traditions - a blend of future and past. In a lot of ways, that, I am.

And then I met him.

I wanted to fast-forward; skip all the formalities of courting and dating and the bullshit of playing games. I wanted to be right inside his head, to know him beyond the surface, to have the right to his heart.

Unexpectedly, unknowingly and embarassingly, for a while there, I had discovered that a part of me was still the girl, like all girls, who wishfully thought that she could be that girl, whom "...maybe to drop everything for..." to someone one day after all.

Perhaps we grew up in an unrealistic, and 'smoothed-over' culture, where it was ingrained in our beings that there should be a knight in shining armour, ready to slay any dragons in the way, even if he was in the middle of a really great poker game with the boys and coming ahead with a million dollars. Luckily, as I've gotten older, perhaps more experienced or taken the 'real life' serum, I have only learned that we shouldn't expect that, instead to only think of it as a cherry on top: you don't need it, you don't have to like it, and especially, to even eat it up at all!

He might not be a knight after all, and he won't be riding a black stallion; it is a second-hand bicycle instead. However, that wishful thinking will always be in the back of our minds; any girl who doesn't admit that is lying. (That, and a guy we would want to fuck all hours of the day).

All of a sudden, I found myself losing. Out of fear of screwing things up, intensity and fear combined, things were slipping. We found ourselves setting boundaries on something that did not yet exist. There was too much pressure. We nearly destroyed a wonderful possibility; and perhaps we have. I realized that was all it was - and is - in its infancy stage: a possibility; nothing more and nothing less.

I have no right.

Therefore, all that said, I am not one predisposed to do anything that doesn't feel natural for both parties involved. And I would only expect the same from the other person. Things will naturally fall into place where they belong, right or wrong, and to be uncovered as such.

And so I leave this to rest - no skipping to the greatest part.

The Awakening

2008-07-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

A time comes in your life when you finally get, when, in the midst ofall your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH!
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear overthe next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are and that is O.K. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of new-found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you- or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have been bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, that it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty, and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and it's O.K. to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people...and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you, and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things taken for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

X-Roads

2008-06-12T19:57:00.000-07:00

Having been completely self-sufficient and independent from my friends' ever-timely lives as they are expected to be by our smoothed-over culture, it had never occurred to me that my life, for once, would ever be directly impacted, by how their lives have evolved.

With all the excitement of (10) weddings of 2 years past, and (7) babies of 6 months past having come and gone, I am faced with the question: Now what?

It is one thing for your friends to couple up and settle down, and another when their routines are dictated by the wake up cries at daybreak, afternoon naps, and scheduled bedtimes. I have been guilty of getting completely caught up in the thrilling whirlwind of new lives being formed, created, and delivered, that I didn't stop to think about what it would mean to me once the new arrivals are announced.

I have walked along this path and now come to a stop at, what seems to me, an unexpected crossroad. The only thing that bothers me this time around, is not the options themselves, but rather, for the first time, I am concerned about whether I am going to make the right turn.

My personal aspirations have always been uncomplicated: explore as many things as possible in life; absorb them; determine which ones are right or wrong for me - not to repeat the latter, and for the former: aim high for those that inspire, move, and shape a better me. They do not have to be quantitative. They do not even have to be tangible. They don't have to be right in the eyes of others. They just have to feel right for my mind and body.

I have been walking without looking up, only around and forward. I have not planned where my turns are going to be, how it would happen, and especially when. Whenever I make the wrong turn, I simply turn around and choose a different path.

Today, however, is a different day. I wonder if finally I need to figure out a destination each time I start. What that is, I am uncertain. I only know that along the way, if something peaks my interest, I will continue to stop and test it out.

Good to Great

2008-06-08T16:33:00.000-07:00

10 Keys to turning your life from good to great:

Make the story of your life an Oscar-winning movie
Expand your mind and universe: ask tough questions.
Interrupt negative thoughts
Be flexible & adapt: it is the sign of an evolved person.
Lose the baggage: forgive, let go, and move on.
Appreciate and Love: they work hand in hand. Contrary to the usual belief, love is not something that happens to you, it is something you do.
Find blessing in every mess: by taking something positive out of every situation, you will lead a happier life.
Embrace humility: you will earn respect from others.
Be active: a healthy body leads to a healthy mind; and vice versa.
Face the fear and do it anyway: live with courage, dignity, and an open heart. Continually reflect on yourself.

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself" - Leo Tolstoy

A better world, a better self

2008-06-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

With the earth collapsing from all of its weight of human errors, and humans being the largest contributors to its slow demise, how do we make it better?

Or more importantly: Can we make it better?

An impressionable friend of mine, who applies a new learning or theory every other week, it seems, cancelled his honeymoon to India after having read a book on the overheating of our world. Unnecessary travels consuming jet fuels, emitting vast amounts of ozone-damaging carbon dioxide, amongst others, intrigued his forever-evolving brain. He decided that he and his future wife should try and undertake an environmentally-friendly honeymoon instead. Something that represents better who they are, and helps the little bit that counts towards saving this precious planet on which we live. Off to the Queen Charlotte islands they went - countless hours of ferry rides, biking and walking for 2 solid weeks. And they, are no tree-hugging granolas.

Another environmentalist acquaintance attended a protest on the teardown of a neighbourhood park to build another cookie-cutter Tim Horton's in his hometown. His deep belief and passion for the environment, it seems, is something he is willing to show all the way. Though he feels beaten and discouraged at times ("Inevitably you make more enemies than friends," he once said to me), he is still open to coming up short of his aspirations, as long as he makes his point across somehow, no matter how small a fraction.

In speaking of aspirations: do the great things in life require the most sacrifice?

I have yet to find mine. The most difficult challenge I have for myself, I hate to admit, has been simply making myself a better person. It is a challenge solely because it is a never-ending goal; or so it seems. The more I think I've discovered something, and made progress, the more I find things that can be better. As shitty as they are when romantic relationships end, for instance, they have been my biggest blessings in learned-experiences - how to tackle myself by seeing it through someone else's eyes. My work, my friends' and other people's experiences, my family and its history and therefore my upbringing, are also grand contributors. From those, it seems to me, I can only control to change myself, not other people, by learning about what, who, where, when, why, and how things came about to become as they are; as tomorrow, I can only try to be better than myself today.

Perhaps I'm just too critical of myself. Then I remind myself what someone wise told me once: being in the middle of any journey entailing discovery, evaluation and adaptation, automatically also means that there will always be more questions, more to do, and things you could do better. This, ultimately, applies to whichever cause.

How can we heal the world? Do we attain such a goal by reaching outwards - using our skills, knowledge, and passion all put into it? Or do we simply believe that by fixing the 'we' now based on past learnings, the future will inevitably fix itself? Is the only medicine to change the future to become an active participant?

Above all else, even if there were nothing else left to be admired, I will still admire that. I admire all things that I am not. But in the end, whether you work your way in from the outside, or out from the inside, we are all here only to fulfill the same dream.

Reason, Season, Lifetime

2008-06-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

- Anonymous

I heart

2008-05-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

The smell of rain after a thunderstorm,
the sound of snow falling on an empty street at night;

Seeing a smile on a child's face,
listening to the heartbeat when my head is rested on his chest;

The reverberating echoes of empty cobblestone streets in Paris,
having my hand held when crossing one;

Making it up to you, apologies taken,
moving forward, moving still;

The butterflies that never flew away,
only fluttering, little wings;

Pink sunsets, painted skies;
feet buried in warm white sands.

Being the object of affection, whilst understanding,
one has to give, in order to receive.

The look in Macy's eyes,
pure love;

Because it gives me a sense of peace;
it is why we live.
Because he cares,
and all is only forgotten if we are forgivable.
Because it catches you by surprise;
it is beautiful,
it melts you,
and one deserves nothing less.

Feeling loved.
Because that is when I feel complete.

Stability vs. Growth

2008-05-18T22:38:00.000-07:00

A friend recently told me that he is in search of a woman, to add stability into his life. Not the financial way; but rather the mental and emotional. This came from someone whom I respect, as much of a dreamer as he is, he's got his sh*t together in more ways than what our society expects from the checklist of standard life accomplishments by the age of 30. I never thought that one who is so independent, ambitious, accomplished, and intelligent in their own right, would ever need anything, let alone anyone, to bring stability into his life. Aren't all his accomplishments enough proof of exactly that?

"How is a woman going to bring you stability?", I had asked. "Women are much smarter than men, in a lot of ways," he answered rather matter-of-factly, "they look at the world differently than we do. Having their added opinions and ideas only make me a better person; hence 'stability'." Perhaps he and I have differing views on what the definition of the word itself.

Having passed the innocence of the early 20's, the spiritual growth of the mid-20's, and attained the all-importance balance in my life in my recent late 20's, I had come to learn that stability can only be achieved from within self. The world constantly changes: your environment, your friends, your job, your car, your priorities and all those that surround you. They will continue to change and evolve, and hopefully you have enough stability within yourself to know the difference between which part of you needs to grow, and which can sustain as its own.

I came to realize that I wouldn't be ready for the great love of my life until I know I have reached that elusive steadiness of knowing who I am, what I want, and where I want to be. To me, the challenge becomes the stability that you have come to know and own to possibly be wavered by another person's influence.

Where is the line between growing and not losing part of who you are? Isn't someone who brings in different ideas, opinions, mixed with emotions only going to shake that stability?

In the end, I don't disagree with my good friend. I don't disagree with myself either. They both only add to the stability of growth in my own mind.

Ask and you will find

2007-11-12T22:15:00.000-08:00

Recent events in my life have led me to evaluate the people by whom I am surrounded. I have many great people whose lives I have shared in one way or another, by one circumstance to another, having met by chance, through another, work or school, or simply just. These are friendships we hold dear to our hearts, near or far, people we know who have always been there and always will. And hardship is the true test of the relationship - so can it stand through it all?

Whatever is the answer, what we seek for when we do for that solace, may not receive the same answer from each person. We need to look deep into ourselves to fully realise what type of answer we want.

As we grow older, we grow to become different people. Similarities we found with others when we were younger, may no longer be apparent, obvious, or even there at all. At what point, however, do you stop comparing those differences and looking for those (once) similarities, in order for those relationships to sustain?

One thing for certain, is you will never stop caring for those you always have cared about, and those who have always cared about you. One does not need to have experienced the same experiences you have to be able to be there for you, but at least one out of 2 similarities needs to exist in order for a close friendship to sustain itself: the external or the internal. External interests will lead to shared physical experiences, whereas Internal interests will lead to deeper mental understanding.

As children, mental capacities still at their developmental phase, external similarities are what we seek after. As adults, those external interests merely become a cover, and more depth is required in the connection between two people. Unfortunately some adults never care to go beyond this need. They don't feel the need to learn more about themselves by avoiding looking inwards.

As an adult I have come to recognise what it is I search for in a friendship. I don't seek for answers to my questions. At least not someone else's, but rather more questions that will lead me to my own solution. You can only resolve your feelings and unsettled thoughts by coming up with your own resolution, thus you will believe in them truly.

So ask me those tough questions. I am ready to find my answers.

10 Steps to Success

2007-11-06T20:25:00.000-08:00

During a women's power within seminar I attended, amongst all 7 inspirational women speakers, was the first US Surgeon General who relayed a powerful ending message in what she identified as the 10 key steps to success:

1. Always under promise, but over deliver. Blow people's minds by achieving beyond expectations.

2. Learn to say "I don't know". The best knowledge one could have, is knowing what you don't know.

3. When coming up to a wall, find a way to go around it. Don't let a wall stop you from achieving your goal. Be creative. There is never just one way of getting to the objective.

4. When at the top, don't forget your family, your friends, your community. Those who take eat better, but those who give, sleep better. "You make a living by taking, and a life by giving".

5. Don't be afraid to take risks. Know which risks to take, and don't take big risks when at a vulnerable moment or state of mind.

6. Do not use someone else's vision. Believe in what you think is important, and you will succeed.

7. Take care of yourself. Remember you don't have to get it right all the time.

8. Don't apologize for your feelings. You have a choice in all your decisions, and your feelings are a result of a conscious decision your mind creates.

9. Never lose sense of you who really are. If you have to tell people you are talented or great, then you are not. Document your skills and accomplishments - utilize your skills, and be proud of your accomplishments - don't forget them in everything you do. Use your skills to help others. You will not have lived a full life until you have given to someone who can never repay you.

10. Dream of greatness: have integrity of self, be factual in communicating, don't let disappointment get you down and don't take things personally; be honorable in defeat and let people know how much you appreciate them.

A Journey to the Finish Line

2007-11-06T19:53:00.000-08:00

There are 2 types of people in this world: one who sees their life as a set of stages, for which there is a finish line towards which you work. Once you complete one, you move on to the next. The second type is one who goes through life and treats it as a journey; one who enjoys and lives the moment, instead of looking for the "what's next".

It is difficult, especially as a young woman, to not be swayed by society norms to do what is expected of you, or rather, what is considered "normal". You get educated, meet someone who fulfills your long list of criteria that would make the perfect husband, in between, during, or before which time you may do some travelling, get married, have children, and so forth. Each stage is clearly marked - some given an expiry date; each stage, when completed, receives a check mark on the list. The big question is, are those things really what we all want, or are they all things that our parents, friends, or culture surround our lives with, so that we really do believe those are the things that we truly want for ourselves. For some, they really are.

What if there is no finish line?

What if you live your life as it goes, and perhaps those different stages are the same, though possibly out of order, however, there is no shelf life to each stage; no deadline, no clock ticking, no expectation? Does that make your life unfulfilled? Are you then not doing the right thing? Have you chosen a lifestyle that is not easily-approved?

A friend advised me once that I simply cannot continue working long hours, because that lessened the amount of time I would have otherwise in meeting someone. Lonely as I do feel at times I need someone, I would never make that an objective of my current "stage". The utmost importance to this life is creating and achieving balance, and that said loneliness is simply part of a journey for which I need to make room and from which I must learn. That journey itself, to me, is the finish line.

I only need to remind myself that this does not make one a failure. Believe in what you think is important, and intrinsic success and happiness will come. It is more important than what others may consider is the definition of being successful at life. Remember that one's finish line is not necessarily another's, and even if so, definitely never at the exact same time.

Towers in the sky with patterns

2007-11-05T22:16:00.000-08:00

2 days of my first visit to Chicago. Luck should have it that I did not have to experience the city living up to its nickname. The warm sun and beauty of the city's fascinating architecture made me forget about the brisk temperature as I spent my days on foot, without proper shoes and all.

I got into the city terribly early from Philadelphia, having taken a 6AM flight (and 2-hour sleep), I was so grateful to learn that my room was actually ready when i checked in at nearly 8AM (it was even better when I learned that I had got upgraded - not that it mattered, since the hotel itself is quite amazing - yes, i treated myself to stay at the W). So I got to rest my sleepy eyes and take an hour or two nap before trying to orient myself with the city map and figure out how to condense as much as I can in the next 1.5 days. I had pre-bought a ticket for the chicago river architectural tour, the one thing I had planned for my excursion (thanks to my planner friend Katie who suggested that I did - I had imagined it like the scene from the movie 'My Best Friend's Wedding'). This tour was so popular, they were completely sold out for the following 2 weeks when I showed up for mine! Although it was a beautiful day, the thought of having to sit outdoor on a boat for 1.5hours got me to prepare myself with absolutely every winter gear one should have when expecting 2ft of snow (sans the galoshes). The boat tour was not like the movie (No Dermot look-alike was present for me to dance with and hum 'The Way you look tonight'), however it was more educational than I had expected. The history of the city - the stories behind each building and its architects, owner, and origin - was rich with fascinating facts. My favourite part was the juxtaposition of the old and the new buildings, as well as old buildings that have been turned into something of new. Of course, there was also the new Trump building, the 2nd tallest building in the city when it completes next year (after the Sears tower) and the tallest residential building in Chicago (that man really does have serious issues).

I then did the magnificent mile...Neimanns, H&M, Barneys, oh my. It took me the entire afternoon to wander around Michigan Ave and State Avenue. Aside from the great shops, the city also boasts great restaurants and theatre scene, neither of which, unfortunately, I was able to take advantage during this trip (for some reason the thought of going out to a great restaurant and/or bar or watching a show by myself here depressed me, though I never did have a problem with it elsewhere). My feet ached from wandering around for about 6 hours on my first day. I rested my feet for about half an hour at the Frank Gehry amphitheatre in millenium park watching a sound show. His original work blends in so well with all the great art and architecture of the city...the theatre is actually quite the highlight of sight and sound.

The second day started off with a visit to the Art Institute of Chicago, seeing the 8th out of 14 of Monet's water lilies/Japanese bridge pond painting, Seurat's amazing A Sunday on La Grande Jatte, Caillebottle's lifesize Paris Street, Rainy Day, and of course the American Gothic painting. The Navy Pier was next on the list, followed by the Newberry Library, Grant Park, and a late lunch on a patio. I had planned on taking the brown line to loop the city from above ground, but had run out of time. In a hurry I hopped on my cab, and off I went to go back leaving the great skies behind.

There was so much more to see in this windy city, yet not enough time. This is definitely a city I will go back to, though hopefully I will take an accomplice with me next time.

Music and Lyrics

2007-06-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie today, not the best of the typical Hugh Grant's bumbling-Britishman romantic comedies, but there was something Drew said that was quite insightful...

The gist of it is, Drew, a failed-writer accidentally becoming a songwriter, contradicts Hugh, a failed 80's has-been musician. She believes that music is like the first impression, the physical, the attraction, connection...the sex...whereas Lyrics are like what is underneath that person...the story about them, their character, the history.

"When put together, that's when it is magic."

I have to agree with Drew.

When listening to music, one must pay attention to the lyrics. Otherwise, it is just noise...a facade of the real person. One will never get to know what is really underneath. To listen to the lyrics, really listen, and understand them, while enjoying the music...That is how one would ever get to know another...listen to their words, while the melody serves as the accompaniment in the background. Both are equally important, but only when you are willing to see them as one, that they are powerful.

Out of the element

2007-05-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

A little piece of tropical heaven.

I spent the past 2 weeks in Maui and Hawaii. It was Tyler and my first vacation together, at the end of which was probably either going to define further where we are to be with our relationship: Do not go beyond this point, or Love in all its serious glory.

We mixed both our interests in the planning: camping for the first week in Maui, private condo rental for the second in Hawaii (big island). I am not a big fan of roughing it, so to speak, however, can and have survived my annual girls camping trips in the past. I really liked this guy, and for the first time, really didn't mind the idea at all. I was more looking forward towards spending time together and getting to know each other even better. After all, we had only seen each other 4 other times prior to this, albeit the last time was for a whole week straight. Such is the routine of a long distance dating life.

What neither of us expected, however, is what happens when we are taken out of our preferences, and forced to adjust to a situation and having another person to spend it with.

When taken out of our daily routine, how well do we adjust to our own juxtaposed to another's?

We found out the hard way that having to find things to do from 8 in the morning until 10 at night every day for a week took too much toll out of both of us. The story goes like this: We got up, left the campsite, determined which area of the island we wanted to get breakfast, then visit and any activity we would want to do there. This sounded fine in theory, except when thrown into it, it was a bit of a nightmare. I love to spend my morning vacations and weekends by starting slow, even though I am a morning person and start my day early regardless where I am. I sit and read, and relax. Of course this would not be the case for a type of vacation where you would need to sightsee everyday, such as a European tour vacation where you are there only for a few days in each city. Tyler is a big hyperactive kid. He constantly needs things to do, and does not like to just sit on a beach for hours and read. Firstly, he is very careful about the sun, definitely the wiser of the both of us. Secondly, he gets bored and easily distracted. This did not make a good combination to start the vacation. Taken out of my element, I was not as attentive and aware of things as I normally would have been. I didn't pay attention as well, as I wasn't giving myself the attention I usually would give myself first. I was afraid if I didn't spend time to do things he enjoyed, he would be upset, yet I was also slowly becoming my stubborn-side, unhappy doing things that were not necessarily my choice.

Funny thing was, I didn't know whether I was being selfish, or too accommodating. When you have to start showing your true self, and not just do things you don't want to do for the sake of another's, there is a fine line where you actually want to try new things and confusing that want with the fear of losing someone's attention.

In the end of it all, our second week more than made up for the first. I got up early in the morning and let Ty sleep. I went for a run, a dip in the pool, then read on our patio overlooking the golf course before he got up to make us breakfast so that we could start our day of just sightseeing, swimming, relaxing, with no pressure, as we had a home to come home to at anytime of the day.

Quiet Thoughts

2007-04-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

I stand here
awaiting,
listening, feeling

I smile,
when I see yours, my sweet
My sweet,
can you hear mine beat against yours?

Scared am I, the possibilities
Truth be told,
something of sorts

What is it, I ask
You cannot answer
It is something only together,
we would one day discover

Be there will I be, through struggles and laughter
As long as again we will be
dancing under the streetlights

Talk to me, show me
What it is you are afraid of
I hear, right here
I echo your quiet thoughts

I reach out
touching,
thinking, embracing

What is mine, if not yours,
I ask you to hold

When all is settled and down

2007-04-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

I had had the pleasure of going to 9 different weddings last year. Yes, you read correctly.

2 decades-old friends; 1 destination on white sands; 1 that made everyone cry; 1 of old family friends where I tried to avoid all my parents' friends' inquiries on "when is your turn?"; 1 classic one that went until 7am; 1 we had been waiting for 8 years; 1 in a beautiful park overlooking the city; 1 colleague where I didn't really know anyone.

Aside from weddings, showers, and the all-fun hen parties, all these weddings signified something more than just a row of gifts and wedding cakes. Or one too many champagne.

I knew then as I know now, that the storks will be flying by anytime now.

Sure enough, recently I received news of 2 friends who are expecting. A few more are trying. All this baby talk is making me dizzy. Spinning conversations on love, relationships, and life. R and A had it planned. It happened a little earlier than expected, but such is life. They are both excited at the prospect of the upcoming bundle of joy, and so am I for them. B broke the news to me last night. Of all my male friends, he is definitely the last I would ever expect to have one. It was an accident. They are going to try and make it work.

I'm not in love with you, he had told her. That was what he could utter right before he made the decision to move in with her.

She needs me to be there for her, at least for a while. He is nuts, I thought.

How can you want to be with someone you don't love? Then again, this works for some people.

At first I was flabbergasted at the idea that it happened to the one guy who seemed the least responsible and settled-down as the rest of the lot. What do you expect out of a twenty-something guy, still completing his graduate studies, working full time, with many aspirations and possibilities? I was disappointed for him.

Then I understood. Things happen for a reason. This is going to teach him something; he will be a great father; his life will be turned upside down. He will have to grow up. I was proud of him and excited about the prospect of whom he will become.

It hit me that I am still a novice at this Blahblahblah called relationship and love; how different each one is for everyone; what they mean individually and collectively. I yearn to understand.

My head is spinning upon the realization that although I would want something more for myself, you cannot plan everything in your future. Baby talks aside, I am instantly reminded of something my favourite TV character once said:

Some people are settling, some are settling down, but some of us simply refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies

I may not know what my future holds. But this, I know for certain.

A Student of Sorts

2007-04-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

When do I feel whole? When do I experience bliss in its true, timeless definition?

Always when I define answers with questions, when I share myself with others, and the harmony of the elements: the magnificent rising of the sun, the quiet sound of falling snowflakes, the reverberating beat of crashing waves, the tranquility of soft breeze brushing against your skin, and the majestic layers of colours of a sunset painting the sky.

My friends would describe me as a thinker and an inquirer. A perpetual learner of sorts, with a propensity to ask - no answer is ever satisfactory, until the questions can stop. You say black, I see the small specks of light coming through. You see white, I ask "where did all the colours go?" You think 'run as fast as you can', I say "slow down!" Why rush through this fleeting moment called life like it is a five-second obstacle to get you to the next best thing?

Five seconds.

The amount of time it takes for your heart to melt at the sight of a puppy dog's eyes. The amount of time it takes for your hand to feel warm inside his. The amount of time it takes for your eyes to adjust in the dark just in time to catch his loving gaze.

I enjoy so much and can't seem to get enough. I am cursed with compassion, affection, and a giving nature. I am blessed with sensitivity, curiosity, and complexity. I have yet to find everlasting peace; a sense of unrestrained and continual-searching for growth, meaningful and uprejudiced understanding, the fill to an insatiable urge for teaching, learning, embracing.

I am a student of life and all that it has to offer: an eternal apprentice of love and its virtues, of people and their relationships within, of myself with all of its imperfections.

I pride myself in being a seeker in an endless pursuit of knowledge.

In what, you ask?
Anything, everything, and sometimes nothing at all, as long as it brings me closer to who I am and completes whom I will become.

And why, you ask?
Because there are no answers, only more questions that can bring you back.

To a simple thing called love.

The joyous cries of delight of a child, the warm touch of a friend's heart, the butterflies in your stomach when you see his face.

I forever stand in awe, in front of life.

Absence Makes the Heart

2007-04-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

I turned the key to my apartment; a task so simple as I had done a million times before, almost robotically, expecting the same thing I see each day I come home from a full day of work. Though never was there ever music playing or human chattering sound greeting my arrival, such is a life of a single gal, today felt it was going to be different somehow.

I asked myself: Did I expect that it would be, or was it truly out of the ordinary?

I placed the keys at their usual place, dropped my bag onto the familiar foyer bench, kicked off my ballet flats carelessly in my usual flair, and reluctantly walked into the living room. Stillness screamed all around me. Not the kind of silence into which I had come to assume everyday, this time its presence was palpable. I felt it not only in my surroundings, in everything I touched, but also within.

He was only here for just over a week, a mere short time in a year-long journey of me on my own to have my routines down almost like second nature. How did he affect them so, shake them up like one of those snowy-globes my parents had, until you couldn't see what was inside but the whites coming down in a blur of giant flakes? And even so, it still put a smile onto your face, and dared you to shake it up all over again just so you could see it one more time. How did I come to anticipate seeing his smile, sensing his warmth, and the safety of his embrace?

I saw it and I felt it as he came and he went.

And so the story goes. It will only repeat itself, surely and steadily, and until then, my impatient heart awaits.

All is Love in Play and War

2007-03-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

Asleep she is, peacefully.

Alert she is, of her surrounding.

Insatiable she is, for love

I moved gingerly so not to wake the two bodies lying still on the ground. I smiled quietly as if afraid they would notice. My heard settled in its place, sense of peace washed over me.

What is it about this image, I wondered, that made things seem easier, problems smaller, choices

immaterial, and life...more blissful?

As each day goes by, each simple move serves as a reminder on what is truly important.

Days filled with squirrel-chases, plays with friends, drinks from fresh or not-so-fresh streams, hikes on the North Shore trails, and if I happen to pretend not to notice, a few hours of snoozing on the couch.

Head turned to the side, tail between the hind legs, and body slowly moving to the Timeout corner. She sheepishly looks up at the wagging finger and a word sounding familiar, yet so far: "Bad Girl". I turn a corner and come back. There she is, staring back at me, as if nothing has happened.

Please, pretty please, I love you. Can I now have my dinner and a walk?

Please, pretty please, I adore you. Can we now sit back and relax?

I look into those light eyes, filled with exuberance and lightness of being. I shall forgive, as you have forgot.

The image of two, as one. I accept you, and respect you, as you have mine.

Awake he is, smiling

Attentive he is, of my presence

Lucky I am, in love

New York, New York

2007-01-19T23:06:00.000-08:00

Lit up sky in Time Square. Pristine sidewalks on Upper East Side. Trendy boutiques on its Lower side. Chic Cafes in Soho. Barney's on Madison, Bergdorf on 5th, Macy's on 34th. Central Park on their sides. Boutique Lounges in East Village. Tall glass buildings on the Down side. Brownstones in Greenwich Village.

The city that never sleeps.

High-heeled on sidewalks, I braved the city waving my arm to the oncoming blurs of yellow, much like the locals, a la Carrie Bradshaw. There is something to be said, still so European yet very much North American, in this busy lovely city called New York. Everyone dressed to the nines, a complete opposite end of the spectrum compared to its laid-back, surfer-yoga-enthusiast-tofu-eating-hiking-snowboarding westcoast counterpart. I felt out of place, yet at home in this city, having labelled myself as a city girl at heart, regardless where I actually reside and guilty admitance for my penchant for Ugg boots on weekends and rainslicker in my dogwalking moments.

Despite the sudden change in the out-of-normal warm January temperature to frigid east-coast bitter cold that cut through your flesh like an icepick, I walked outside. I put my hood up and survived. Anything that would sustain my endurance in order to not miss out.

If I could just brave the cold, keep my eyes open, stand my 4-inch-heeled feet on the ground, I can take in just a little bit more, and not lose a single fleeting moment in this city that truly does not sleep.

Hotel on Rivington. Koi and Buddakan. MoMA. Chicago on Broadwayl. Dream Lounge. The Royalton. The Guggenheim. Clear Manhattan skyline through leafless Central Park. Lunch with the ladies who lunch at Bergdorf 7th floor Cafe...

When biting the big apple, a bite is never enough, and the night never ends.

In a manner of speaking

2007-01-08T22:31:00.000-08:00

In a day where arguably chivalry is assumed to be DOA, women equality is prominent, and proper etiquette is a subject of old adage, how important are good manners in today's age?

At dinner, we talked endlessly, had a lot in common. We laughed at the same time, and the silences were not at all awkward. I excused myself, he got up as I did. When I came back to the table, he stood up as I was seating myself back down.

It was the first time I was ever truly impressed with a simple, old-school gesture and what it meant.

I grew up in a household where you wait your turn to speak, even though speaking your mind was always encouraged; where you let those older than you take their turn before you, even though you should always go for what you want; where you eat with your mouth closed, even though you can converse during meals; be courteous whenever possible, no matter how old or young those around you are. I was taught the simple manners in life that have become second nature and unquestioningly part of a regular life.

So when does a simple conduct become debatably out-of-the-way notable by those around them? Have etiquettes of the past become extinct - words of the past we only see and read about in 19th-century novels or movies?

The way I see it, there are 3 levels of good manners: Level 1 are the timeless, must-have simple etiquette such as the ones I learned from my parents; Level 2 is the nice-to-have gesture most of us might need a bit of reminding from time to time; and Level 3 which is the bonus-if-you-ever-experience-it sort, because of their out-of-the-way-nice nature such as my dinner date anecdote.

Level 1 is a given. I wonder about those who do not practice them on a regular basis. Who actually still responds with "huh?" instead of "pardon?"; forgets to say "please" and "thank you"; does not introduce people around them to each other, or worse yet, excludes a person out of a conversation?

Level 2 can be tricky. We sometimes need to remember to offer our seats to the ladies, the elderly; open doors for women, or even hold the door open for the person right behind you regardless of their sex; to say 'yes' instead of 'yeah'; and in the age of mobile phones where shared land-lines are almost non-existent, to ask politely "May I speak to..." for the person with whom you are wanting to speak.

Level 3, on the other hand, is a way to memorably get attention. This category mostly falls under the chivalry section, and arguably dead because women, wanting to be treated equal to men, do not 'need' to be treated any differently. Do we need to order first at a restaurant? be let out of an elevator before a man? have our tabs taken care of all the time? or, as my date Matt was taught at a young age by his father, to stand up for a woman whenever she leaves or approaches the space where you happen to be?

I do not need the people around me to know that you pass the salt and pepper as a pair (and to your right), or to place the napkin on their laps immediately upon being seated at a dinner table, but can appreciate being addressed first by a server at a restaurant. I like to pay for the bill every now and then, but won't get offended if a man asks me to wait and offers to get the car while I wait inside. I do not have to have my chair pulled out for me before I sit down, but would love it if one introduces another with more than just a name.

I don't need to be reminded of how much time has changed, but I can certainly recognise the value of good manners of any kind.

A Successful Year

2007-01-01T13:32:00.000-08:00

It's a new year: a new beginning to some, new resolutions to others.

How do we reflect on the past year and look at our accomplishments and failures, and therefore define whether or not we have had a successful year?

What are the points on which we measure such an answer? The resolutions we kept in which we succeeded; the goals we had set, accomplished, and even possibly surpassed; where we are in our personal or professional lives?

One's happiness in life can be measured by the richness life itself feels, how fulfilled and well-balanced it is. Do we then, in turn, think about the reasons why we feel fulfilled, by listing all our accomplishments and things that made us happy over the past year? Is it at all possible that what gives our lives a sense of richness does not come from reason and intellect and instead from a well-balanced emotional brain defined by the strong connections and full relationship we have made? If so, where and how can we find these within ourselves?

1. Our physical existence: The more connected we are to our physical being, the more fulfilled we would feel about our health, and in turn, our happiness. I feel more connected to my own body after exercising, and feel more aware of my own body's reaction to the world, and further building the connection to the roots of my emotions. However, this area is not solely defined by our exercise regimen (mine definitely could have been better), rather, however which way we go about our days in trying to connect our mind with our body.

2. Intimacy: Our emotional brain is also designed to regulate our emotional relationships. Naturally, love is an effective way of giving us meaning. Anything that involves us in intimate relationships - with our friends, family, or significant other - anchors us firmly in our existence. I love having my hand held, for example. For me, someone who is unafraid of holding onto mine, is telling me to trust them and have them lead the way, or that they trust me as they can feel the connection of the coolness or heat of our emotions transferred through the palm of our hands. It is a sign of the beginning of intimacy. I appreciate someone confiding in me and also feel a sense of emotional connection once I open myself up to another. All those to whom we feel close connect us to life and give it meaning.

Intimacy is often times mistaken for its physical counterpart, and it is not difficult to confuse the two. However, intimacy is about the mental and emotional closeness one feels to another being. And the more we have, the more content we can end up.

3. Community: It is important that we give back to our community. By that, I don't mean volunteering at every soup kitchen in the neighbourhood, or donating money to charities or attending charity functions. It is the feeling that we get from doing something as simple as offering our seats to an elderly on a bus, opening a door for someone whose hands are full, being pleasant to strangers, or anything else selfless with no real reward except for the feeling of being useful and appreciated by another human being. Everyone loves feeling appreciated. Little do we know, the elderly for whom we give up our seat would feel exactly that, and that we add value to this life.

4. Spirituality: It is possible to feel connected to a dimension beyond the body. It doesn't mean we have to have a religion in which we can define our spiritual belief, instead the to be able to feel that we are in the presence of something much greater than all of the physical world. I grew up in a religious upbringing, and had always been made aware that there is something greater out there that is watching over us. However, true spirituality can come into contact with us simply whenever I am face to face with nature, or in certain places that remind me how insignificant we are in the universe. Strangely, it is at the precise moment when we experience how small we are that life itself seems to fill with meaning, and so do we.

I reflected on these 4 points and reviewed my year. I concluded 'twas a good year. But there is always room for improvement this year.

Judging by Connection

2006-12-10T19:30:00.000-08:00

When it comes to meeting someone new, do you ever think you may know who they are before you get to know them?

I have had the pleasure in meeting a great guy the other night: Cute, smart, creative, articulate, funny, and active. Athletic and Artistic - a combination after which an oxymoron was named in the world dictionary of "The Perfect Guy". After a drink in hand, we figured out we know someone in common. Not much of a surprise considering for Canada's 3rd largest city, Vancouver is very small in its social network. Or so I have learned over the years. Not only you may end up dating someone who knows someone you know, you might actually date someone who has dated someone you know. The latter is more difficult to swallow, especially if you could see the similar patterns once comparing notes (for us women it is tricky not to). I even know someone who actually ended up dating, (initially) unbeknownst to her, a guy with whom she had a little fling 5 years prior!

Are potential mates so recyclable, that it is acceptable to overlook our proclivity to surround ourselves with the same (type) of people, that we end up meeting and re-meeting the same ones over and over again?

The positive side to that notion is we can then associate a person's character (or interests), without having to ask, but simply by knowing with whom they socialize.

Needless to say, in a matter of a few hours, I asked our 'Connection' about my Athletic Artist (a close friend of his happens to be an ex of my Connection - a colleague; the same guy, incidentally, is also currently in liaison with an ex-colleague of ours, of whom we - and I can speak for the entire company - were glad to be rid). My Connection's answer was simple: "I never knew him all that well, but if he is friends with [C], he must be a really nice guy."

There it is. The label by association.

If once I wrote about judging someone by a first impression, is there such a thing as judging someone by a pre-impression?

I could arbitrarily ascertain that Athletic Artist is a write off because he is friends with someone who, regrettably, has chosen to be with a certain person whose character is no less contentious than the reputation which precedes her. Does this make "C" a bad judge of character? If so, then what does that make Athletic Artist?

Surprisingly, I believe my Connection. Not because of what she said, or with whom Athletic Artist is friends, but because I could sense it when we were talking over the loud progressive house beats, a vodka soda in one hand and him: a demure smile, polite gestures, and modest, well-spoken words.

We don't need to know somebody who knows somebody who might have dated somebody we know to learn about someone new. If you pay attention to the little things, we are our best judge of character.

Online

2006-12-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

In our world where population growth is exponential by the decades, does it mean we are actually getting closer to another?

I cannot answer in geographical proximity, though findings have stated that in order to support population growth, the design of our world does not necessarily mean the spreading of humans into the suburban areas. Instead, we build upwards, in the very urbanite centres, creating smaller and smaller distance between us and our neighbours. Although blessed with a view that can be breathtaking, I am not one to want to live 1,000ft above the ground, in the middle of the sky.

Geography aside, what does this mean to our means of communication? The development of communication technology of recent years has enabled us to be close to those who are far, without much of an effort. It does not cease to baffle me that despite the closer physically we are believed to becoming, the farther we are in our physical communication.

Think about how often we email/text/instant mesage a colleague who is sitting across from us or a friend whom we have not seen nor talked to in weeks yet who lives 10 blocks away.

Online Dating. Online Journal. Web Meetings. Emails. Instant Messaging. Web access to limitless possibilities from shopping for groceries, furniture, to banking, books, audio-visual references.

Have we, as creatures of habits, created a small world in which we can live without having to lift a foot?

Is being online meant to bring us closer to each other, or does it inadvertently produce a reverse effect instead?

So many things can be lost in translation, and nothing replaces the power of words. People can hide behind typed letters, without ever having to show their true self. You can be whomever you want to be, because the world does not have to see the real you in order for you to communicate.

On the other hand.

We catch up with friends who live thousands of kilometres away more frequently. We don't let distance become an issue to want to be with a loved one. We communicate when we don't have to. We are able to say things when we are afraid to. We are able to solve problems without passing any wasted time.

It is a wonderful little world we have created for ourselves. One in which distance is next to none; countries merge and cultures amalgamate; where lines between the sky, the water, and the earth turn into a blur.

All things considered, in my books, I never forget that nothing beats the quintessential hug, the shoulder to cry on, a warm hand to hold onto and pull you up when you need it the most. No means of electronic convenience can ever bring the intimacy that can only be brought by another human touch.

Do First Impressions Count?

2006-11-27T22:50:00.000-08:00

How well can we know something or someone from a first impression?

First impression counts - to some, it is everything that matters. However, to what extent would we ever want to base our judgement, a final one at that, based on a one-time encounter with a complete stranger? How prepared are we, whether by chance or arranged, at any given moment when a part of our experience in life can be altered solely by a one-time call made by another?

A job interview. A first date. A business meeting. A blind date. Meeting the parents. A greeting at a restaurant.

As life is about learning new experiences, whether they be positive or negative, can we ever be truly prepared for someone to potentially alter the course of a path in which we can end up? How well should we trust our first instinct? Could first impressions actually be used as an excuse for us to discount what we do not want to face?

I am a believer of gut-feeling. And sometimes I second-guess myself once I make a snap judgement on something or someone, based on a first encounter. I would attribute a characteristic, for example, to something negative I have experienced in the past, hence would simultaneously conclude a negative association. Perhaps I am actually not ready to face such potential non-existent issue, thus opt to avoid the entire thing and attribute 'gut-feel' instead as a valid reason for my reaction and decision. I would often ask if such a conclusion would be fair towards the recipient, and often times, I do not want to know the real answer and choose to believe it instead. Some call it 'intuition', some call it 'sign'.

Whatever it is, I ask myself the same question: is it fair?

With all due respect

2006-11-21T19:02:00.000-08:00

In our society, there is a silent understanding amongst people, that you need to be mindful in your actions, because even if you think it's just about you, it touches at least another.

Take managing people, for example. If you are a people manager, at least 50% of your time will (have to) be spent on people issues, whether it be professional or personal. The tough part comes when your management style and your own manager's are different. It is then when both of you would have to respect each other's, because there is no right and only one way of managing: it can work for some, but not others; it can drive some crazy, or drive the objective home; it can be motivating, or discouraging. In the end, it's about both parties 'managing' each other, and respecting how each goes about accomplishing tasks or overcoming issues, and that they do not have to agree on the how.

The sticky part can come when one or both does not realise the line between who begins and who ends: the overlap. Not only can it send a confusing message for the other people who might also be involved or caught in the cross-fire, it creates easily avoidable conflict should one have identified the roles and objectives of each from the very beginning.

1. Never assume the other person knows what you're thinking.
2. There is no such thing as too much clarification.
3. Not everyone has the same way of communicating nor does everyone solve problems the way you do.

Everybody grew up in different environments, surrounded by people who have influenced them in ways others might have never been influenced.

Remember that.

Personal or professional.

A day in the life of

2006-11-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

She is sleeping. Peacefully, quietly, human-like.
Tired, I reckon, after having gone for a four-hour hike all day in the rain. Not just any rain, Canada northwest-coast rain that broke records. Figured after a long, dry summer without, the sky came back with a revenge the past couple of weeks. My pristine, light-coloured couch, acquired before all this rain and Macy were ever paired together in my life, suddenly in danger.

Breathing, turning.

She is always sleeping by the time I get home, reminding me how to enjoy the little things in life, speak out when there is uncertainty, eat when it is time, walk around endlessly until you find that perfect spot to settle yourself down.